How Do You Unlearn ‘Being Agreeable’ in Bed?
You know the feeling: going along with something you didn’t really want. Nodding, smiling, moaning—all out of habit. Or pressure. Or just not knowing what else to do.
This isn’t a personal failure. It’s social conditioning.
From the time we’re old enough to notice, women and femmes are taught to be agreeable. Not just in class or at work—but in bed, too. To be easygoing. Low-maintenance. Grateful. Quiet. The silent scream of going along to get along.
It’s time to reclaim our bodies, our choices, and especially our voices in bed.
Unpacking ‘Agreeableness’: A Cultural Con Job
“Chill” is often just a coded word for compliant. It rewards us for keeping the peace—even when the cost is our own discomfort.
In bed, this looks like:
Saying yes when you want to say maybe
Faking pleasure to protect someone’s ego
Avoiding feedback or direction out of fear you’ll be “too much”
Feeling responsible for their satisfaction, but unsure of your own
We internalize the idea that good sex is about being flexible, grateful, and accommodating—no matter how we actually feel. And if we do speak up? We risk being labeled “cold,” “difficult,” or “demanding.”
From People Pleasing to Self-Pleasing
Consent isn’t just a checkbox—it’s the ultimate form of respect. For you and your partner.
Consent is ongoing, enthusiastic, and mutual. Anything less is unacceptable.
Own it, live it, and watch how it transforms your intimacy.
Unlearning agreeableness isn’t about becoming confrontational. It’s about learning that your voice belongs in every room—including the bedroom.
It might sound like:
“Can we pause for a second?”
“That doesn’t feel good for me.”
“Can we slow down a bit?”
“I’m not into that—what if we tried ___ instead?”
Practice doesn’t start in bed. It starts in everyday moments. With boundaries. With tiny no’s. With tuning into your preferences and letting them matter.
Self-Advocacy Is a Skill (And You Can Practice It)
Reflect on where you first learned to “be easygoing” in bed—write it down or voice note it.
Practice saying “Can we pause for a second?”, “That doesn’t feel good for me” or a simple “Can we stop?” until it feels natural.
Choose a new phrase or script that centers your desires—keep it saved in your Notes app to revisit.
Watch or read an interview with a sex therapist discussing assertiveness in intimacy (e.g., Emily Nagoski).
Share your journey with friends, start a conversation, or join a community group. Your voice is the spark for change.
Learning to advocate for yourself in intimacy changes how you move through the rest of your life. You become harder to manipulate. Harder to silence. Harder to dismiss. You become someone who trusts their gut, names their needs, and listens when something feels off.
