Your Friend Experienced Sexual Violence — Here’s How to Actually Show Up

14 Oct

Your friend just told you they were sexually assaulted.
Your stomach drops. Your mind scrambles. You want to do something—anything—to make it better. But here’s the thing: this isn’t about you.

In a world where femmes are still fighting for the right to feel safe in our own bodies, knowing how to show up for a survivor isn’t optional—it’s mandatory. This is about unlearning the myths, holding the messy truths, and turning your fury into fierce, useful love.

By the time you’re done reading, you’ll know how to support a friend, challenge harmful cultural narratives, and be the kind of ally who doesn’t just mean well—you make a difference.

The Weight We’re Carrying: Sexual Violence by the Numbers

Let’s cut through the noise—this is what we’re up against:

1 in 6 American women has experienced attempted or completed rape in her lifetime. [RAINN]
80% of assaults are committed by someone the survivor knows (NSVRC).
>26% of female undergraduate students experience rape or sexual assault involving physical force, violence, or incapacitation. (RAINN)
Nearly half (47%) of transgender respondents were sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime and one in ten (10%) were sexually assaulted in the past year. (According to a 2015 study)
65% of women have endured street harassment—catcalls, follows, or worse—just walking down the street. (Data from 2014 study)
80% of female college students do not report to the police. (RAINN)

Bottom line: These aren’t numbers. They’re your friends, your classmates, your coworkers—and maybe even you.

How to Actually Show Up

Showing up for a survivor isn’t about having the perfect words—it’s about being a steady, safe presence when their world feels like it’s cracked open. The hours and days after someone discloses sexual violence are often marked by shock, fear, confusion, and shame.

Here’s how to actually show up for them:

Believe them, full stop.
One of the most harmful things survivors face after disclosing is doubt or disbelief. You don’t need “proof.” You need compassion. A simple, “I believe you, and I’m here for you,” can be life-changing.

Listen without trying to fix.
Your job is not to play detective or problem-solver. Many survivors already feel like control has been taken from them. Avoid questions like “Why were you there?” or “What were you wearing?” Instead, focus on what they want to share, at their pace. This can look like saying:

“I’m here for whatever you want to share—whether it’s a lot, a little, or nothing right now. You’re in control.”

Ask what they need—and respect the answer.
Maybe they want to report it. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they just want to curl up on your couch with a blanket. Consent applies to every decision after an assault. Before calling anyone, offering resources, or even giving a hug, ask:

“Do you want me to help with next steps, or do you just want me to be here with you right now?”

Protect their privacy fiercely.
What they’ve shared with you is theirs—not yours to post, tell others, or turn into a rallying cry without permission. Even well-meaning “awareness posts” can retraumatize or expose them. Always ask before sharing anything about their experience.

Know your resources.
Having the number for a sexual assault hotline or a local advocacy group in your phone means you can connect them to professional help without scrambling. You don’t have to be the expert—you just need to know where to point them. Some options to save to your phone right now:

RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline (U.S.) – 1-800-656-4673
RAINN Online Chat – online.rainn.org
VictimConnect Resource Center – 1-855-484-2846
Other great recs to check out – RISE, RAINN, NSVRC, and Its On Us

Stay present—long term.
The hardest part is that the support survivors need often extends far beyond the first conversation. Trauma doesn’t vanish after a week. Check in regularly—about anything, not just the assault. A simple “Thinking of you” text can mean more than you think.

Showing up isn’t a single act. It’s an ongoing commitment to stand with them—in their anger, grief, joy, or silence—without trying to script their recovery.

Consent Culture: The Ground We’re Building On

What we were taught: “Don’t walk alone at night.”
Reality: Maybe teach people not to assault in the first place.

Consent isn’t just about sex—it’s woven into every conversation, every touch, every interaction. It’s asking before you borrow a hoodie. It’s respecting “no” without pouting. It’s making sure “yes” is enthusiastic, not worn down. The more we normalize this in daily life, the harder it becomes for violence to hide in plain sight.

3 Actions You Can Take Today

Practice your response to “I was assaulted.” Don’t let panic run the show—have your words ready: “I believe you. I’m here. What do you need?”
Drop a resource in your group chat. Make it normal to know where help lives. Share a hotline number like you’d share a meme.
Check in twice (or more). Support isn’t a one-and-done. Healing isn’t linear—keep showing up, even weeks or months later.

The Core Truth

Supporting a survivor is an act of rebellion in a culture that tries to minimize, dismiss, and silence them. When we stand up, we’re not just helping one person—we’re dismantling a system.

At All the R.A.G.E., we turn anger into agency, rebellion into growth, and silence into collective power. This is your call to join us—loudly or quietly—because when one of us rises, we all rise.