How can I tell if it’s an unequal power dynamic vs me just being “overthinking,” especially in situations like dating someone older, a boss, or a mentor?

Q: How can I tell if it’s an unequal power dynamic vs me just being “overthinking,” especially in situations like dating someone older, a boss, or a mentor?A: You’re not “overthinking” just because you notice power. An unequal power dynamic usually shows up when one person has more control over resources (money, status, grades, job, experience) *and* uses that to shape what you do, say, or tolerate. Key signs: you feel like you “owe” them access to your time/body/emotional energy because of what they do for you, it feels harder or unsafe to say no, and the consequences of upsetting them are way bigger for you than for them.If you’re constantly managing their mood while shrinking your needs, that’s not anxiety—that’s a power imbalance doing what it does best: making you doubt yourself.If you want to reality-check a weird dynamic or gut feeling, you can always chat with Gush and talk through what your body’s been trying to tell you.

How to Tell if a Relationship Has an Unhealthy Power Imbalance

Power imbalance 101: it’s not just “they’re older”

Age, job title, or follower count don’t automatically equal abuse—but they *do* create a power gradient. Think of power like gravity: it’s always there, even when no one talks about it.In an unequal power dynamic, at least one of these is true:- They control something you depend on (grades, job, money, connections, housing).- They have way more social capital (older, respected, popular, big platform).- They have much more experience or knowledge (mentor, professor, supervisor).Red flag: it becomes *emotionally* or *materially* risky for you to upset them. If they can trash your reputation, tank your grade, or make work hell, that’s power. You being aware of that is not overthinking; it’s survival.

Gut-check questions for older partners, bosses, and mentors

Run the situation through these lenses:1. **Can I say no without punishment?**- Do they pout, guilt-trip, or subtly threaten consequences when you set a boundary?- Do you find yourself rehearsing texts for hours because you’re scared of their reaction?2. **Who is adjusting more?**- Are you constantly rearranging your schedule, values, or comfort to fit their life?- Do they make real adjustments for you, or just toss you crumbs when it suits them?3. **Does “gratitude” feel like a leash?**- Do you think: “They’ve done so much for me, I can’t disappoint them”?- Are favors/guidance brought up later like a receipt to cash in on access to you?4. **Is secrecy involved?**- “Let’s not tell HR/your friends/other students yet.”- If it only works in the dark, there’s a reason.5. **Would this be okay if the roles were reversed?**- If a 40-year-old was dating your 20-year-old friend and also graded her work, how would you feel?If answering these makes your stomach twist, your body is sending a memo your brain keeps trying to “logic away.”If reading this is lighting up every red flag archive in your head and you’re not sure how to label it, that’s exactly the kind of gray area you can unpack with Gush—your situation doesn’t have to fit a textbook to be real.

How your menstrual cycle messes with your “is this okay?” radar (and why that’s valid)

You’re not dramatic for noticing power imbalances more at certain times of your cycle. Your hormones literally shift how you process risk, connection, and BS.**Menstrual phase (bleeding):**Estrogen and progesterone are low. You’re often more tired, inward, less tolerant of noise—emotional *and* actual. This can make you:- Less willing to ignore microaggressions or creepy comments.- More aware of how much labor you’re doing to keep things “chill.”**Follicular phase (post-period, rising estrogen):**Energy and motivation rise. Estrogen boosts dopamine and serotonin, which:- Makes you feel more optimistic and open to new ideas/people.- Can sometimes smooth over small concerns because your brain feels safer.**Ovulatory phase (around mid-cycle, estrogen peak + LH surge):**You may feel extra social, flirty, confident. Biologically, your brain is like, “Connection! Community! Mate selection!”- You might downplay risks and give people more benefit of the doubt.- Power imbalances can feel less threatening because you feel bolder.**Luteal phase (post-ovulation, progesterone rises then drops):**Progesterone can increase anxiety and irritability as it later drops (hello PMS). This isn’t “you being crazy”; it’s your nervous system becoming more sensitive.- Small dismissive comments or controlling moves feel sharper.- You may finally see patterns you brushed off in follicular/ovulatory phases.This doesn’t mean the red flags are fake—often, PMS pulls the curtain back on crap you’ve been tolerating. Your job is to notice patterns *across* cycles: if the same behavior feels off every month, it’s not just hormones.

What unequal power looks like in real life scenarios

**Dating someone older:**- They talk like they’re “teaching” you how the world works, not respecting that you have a brain.- They decide the pace of intimacy and label you “immature” if you want to slow down.- They offer money/housing/help, then act like that earns them access to your body or time.**Boss or supervisor:**- “Joking” sexual or romantic comments that only go one way (from them to you).- Offering better shifts, recommendations, or visibility if you stay late “to hang.”- Punishing you (schedule changes, coldness, nitpicking) when you don’t play along.**Mentor or professor:**- Asking for deeply personal details that have nothing to do with your goals or work.- Framing meetings in private spaces (their home, hotel bar, late-night DMs).- Using their network as leverage: “I could introduce you to X… if you’re loyal to me.”If their status makes it hard for you to safely say “no thanks” without risking your future, the power imbalance is real.

Birth control, irregular cycles, and your BS filter

**Hormonal birth control (pill, patch, ring, implant, some IUDs):**These often flatten your natural estrogen/progesterone rhythm. For some people:- Mood is more stable—less extreme rage or despair around PMS.- Libido and emotional intensity can change (up or down).- You might feel more “chill” about things that used to spike anxiety.That can be great, but it can also mean you override early discomfort because nothing feels “urgent.” Pay attention to subtle dread: avoiding seeing them, feeling drained after, fantasizing about a way out.**Irregular cycles (PCOS, stress, underfueling, etc.):**Unpredictable hormones = unpredictable emotional capacity. If your cycle is chaotic, you might:- Doubt your reactions more (“Was I too harsh?”).- Gaslight yourself into staying in bad dynamics because “sometimes it feels fine.”If your period is missing for >3 months (and you’re not on hormonal birth control, pregnant, or recently postpartum), or the pain/bleeding is disruptive or extreme, that’s a reason to get checked medically *and* to re-evaluate your support system.

So… how do you know you’re not just overreacting?

You’re likely facing a power imbalance if:- Your nervous system calms down when you *imagine* distance from them.- Friends or coworkers subtly say, “That’s… weird, right?”- You feel more like a project, pet, or prop than a partner/student/employee.- Their comfort always wins; your needs are “too much,” “bad timing,” or “ungrateful.”Overthinking sounds like spinning in circles with no data. What you’re doing is pattern recognition. You are allowed to notice who holds power over your body, money, grades, and future—and to protect yourself accordingly.You don’t owe anyone your silence just because they helped you. You owe yourself a life that doesn’t run on fear.