If I keep feeling confused after arguments (like I’m apologizing even when I didn’t do anything), what are the biggest signs it’s emotional abuse and not just a messy relationship phase?

1 Jan

Constant confusion, walking on eggshells, and apologizing on autopilot are not 'normal couple stuff'. They’re red flags for emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse looks like a pattern of control: you’re always the problem, your feelings are inconvenient, and conflict ends with you shrinking so the other person can stay comfortable. It’s not occasional bad communication; it’s systematic blame-shifting, silent treatments, insults disguised as jokes, or threats to leave if you don’t comply.

If your self-esteem is crashing, you feel scared to bring things up, and the 'good times' are used to excuse the bad, you’re not just in a rough patch. You’re being slowly trained to doubt yourself.

If that sentence hits too hard, you’re not crazy. You can untangle it with Gush and talk through your cycle, stress, and what your body’s been screaming beneath the confusion.

Signs your messy relationship is actually emotional abuse

Confusion is not a love language

Healthy relationships can be messy, loud, emotional. But underneath, there’s clarity:

You know where you stand.
Conflicts end with some kind of understanding.
Both people can be wrong sometimes.

Abusive dynamics use confusion as a tool. Questions to ask yourself:

After most arguments, do I feel clear or scrambled?
Do I need other people to tell me what just happened because I can’t even track it?
Do I apologize more to keep the peace than because I genuinely messed up?

If your main feelings are fear, dread, or constant self-blame, that’s not a 'phase'. That’s control.

Major signs of emotional abuse

You’re always the villain
They never truly apologize. When they say 'sorry', it’s followed by:

'…but you made me react like that.'
'…you know how you get.'

Emotional rollercoaster

Love-bombing: over-the-top affection, 'you’re my everything', intense connection.
Then: coldness, irritation, distance.
When you pull away: back to love-bombing.

That cycle isn’t passion. It’s training your nervous system to chase their approval.

Isolation
They:

Make subtle digs about your friends or family.
Act jealous or 'concerned' any time you have a life without them.
Get moody if you don’t respond instantly.

Slowly, your world shrinks until it’s mostly them.

Control disguised as care

'I just don’t want you to embarrass yourself.'
'I’m just honest, that outfit is trash.'
'I’m protecting you; you’re too naive.'

No. They’re shrinking you.

Threats and guilt

'Everyone leaves me; don’t be like them.'
'If you loved me, you’d stay.'
'No one else will ever put up with you.'

This is emotional blackmail, not vulnerability.

Your brain, trauma bonding, and why leaving feels impossible

Emotional abuse messes with your brain chemistry. That’s not dramatic; it’s biology.

During the good phases:

Dopamine (reward) spikes when they text, praise you, or act loving.
Oxytocin (bonding hormone) strengthens attachment, especially after sex, cuddling, or deep talks.

During the bad phases:

Cortisol (stress hormone) surges.
Your nervous system goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn (people-pleasing to stay safe).

This push-pull creates what’s called trauma bonding: your brain starts associating relief from pain (their crumbs of kindness) as love. So when you think about leaving, it feels like withdrawal.

Now add your menstrual cycle:

Menstrual phase: Low estrogen and progesterone can make everything feel heavier. Abuse can feel impossible to escape; your brain whispers 'you’ll never make it alone.'
Follicular phase: Rising estrogen boosts mood, focus, and sometimes risk-taking. This can be a powerful window to plan, reality-check, and remember your power.
Ovulatory phase: High estrogen and luteinizing hormone can make you more social and outward-focused. You may see more clearly how your partner treats you in public vs private.
Luteal phase: PMS (progesterone-dominant) can amplify anxiety, irritability, and anger. You might see the abuse more sharply and feel angrier about it. That anger is information, not overreaction.

If you’re thinking, 'I feel trapped, and my mood is all over the place,' that’s not a personal flaw. That’s literally your brain and hormones reacting to chronic stress.

If your situation doesn’t look textbook and you’re thinking 'mine is complicated', walk through it with Gush. You can map your cycle, your arguments, and your gut feelings without anyone gaslighting you.

How emotional abuse shows up across a month

Try tracking one full cycle with two things:

1. Relationship log

What did they say or do?
How did the conflict start and end?
Who took responsibility?

2. Body + mood log

Where are you in your cycle?
Physical symptoms (cramps, headaches, fatigue).
Emotional state (anxious, numb, sad, angry, calm).

Patterns to watch:

Do they pick fights when you’re vulnerable (on your period, during PMS, when you’re exhausted or sick)?
Do they invalidate your pain: 'You’re just hormonal', 'It’s your period talking'? That’s weaponizing biology against you.

Emotional abuse thrives when you feel too tired, ashamed, or confused to push back. Tracking is not about blaming hormones; it’s about reclaiming data.

Birth control, mood swings, and abusive dynamics

Hormonal birth control can smooth out or change your natural cycle, but your body still responds to stress.

You might notice on birth control:

Mood swings or emotional blunting.
Lower libido, which an abusive partner might mock or punish.
Irregular or no bleeding, which makes it harder to 'anchor' your month.

If you’re constantly in fights about sex, mood, or 'how you’ve changed' since birth control, ask:

Are they interested in supporting your health, or just in access to your body?
Do they respect your contraception choices, or pressure you to change them?

Your reproductive decisions are yours. Emotional abuse often shows up as control over your body, sex life, or fertility.

Messy but healthy vs emotionally abusive

Messy but healthy:

Both people can say 'I was wrong.'
You can bring up issues without fear.
You feel more like yourself over time, not less.

Emotionally abusive:

You edit yourself to avoid backlash.
Conflicts feel like interrogations, not conversations.
You feel smaller, weaker, and more confused the longer you stay.

Ask: If my best friend described my relationship exactly as it is, what would I tell her to do?

What to do when you realize it’s abuse

You don’t have to blow it up overnight. You can move in stages:

Name it (to yourself)

'This is emotional abuse.'
Language matters. It stops the 'maybe I’m overreacting' spiral.

Strengthen outside reality

Tell trusted friends or a therapist what’s happening.
Join online communities or forums where people talk about emotional abuse.

Plan, don’t panic

If you live together, think through money, housing, and safety.
If you don’t, set emotional boundaries first: respond slower, share less, say no more.

Expect the cycle

When you pull back, abusers often escalate: love-bombing, promises to change, or more guilt trips.
Stay anchored in your logs and your body’s signals: how do you actually feel with them, not just after the good moments?

Love does not require you to be endlessly confused, constantly apologizing, and slowly disappearing. That’s not love. That’s control dressed up in romance.