If I’m not sure it’s ‘bad enough’ to call it coercion, what should I do in the moment and afterward—like what do I say, how do I set boundaries, and who can I talk to without it turning into a whole thing?
Q: If I’m not sure it’s ‘bad enough’ to call it coercion, what should I do in the moment and afterward—like what do I say, how do I set boundaries, and who can I talk to without it turning into a whole thing?A: You don’t need it to be “bad enough” to justify slowing down, saying no, or leaving. If your body feels tense, numb, or pressured, that’s enough data. In the moment, your priorities are: create space (pause, bathroom break, change location), use simple boundary phrases (“I’m not comfortable with this,” “I’m done for tonight”), and if they keep pushing, exit.Afterward, you can reflect, write down what happened, and talk to someone you trust—without needing a perfect label like “coercion” or “assault.” What matters is whether your wants and boundaries were actually respected.If you’re questioning it, that already means it deserves your attention.Need help sorting out the “was it bad enough?” spiral? Chat with Gush about what happened, how your body reacted, and where your cycle’s at.
What to do when you’re not sure if it was coercion
Step one: believe your body before you label the experience
Your body keeps score even when your brain is debating legal terms.Red flags from your body:- You froze or went numb while things were happening.- You laughed it off while feeling sick inside.- You felt relief *only* when it was over or when you got away.- Thinking about it later makes you cringe, panic, or dissociate.You are allowed to respond to how it *felt* before you decide what to *call* it.Instead of asking, “Was it bad enough?” try:- “Did I feel free to say no?”- “Did my no—or hesitation—get fully respected?”- “If my best friend told me this story, how would I feel for her?”If your gut twists at those answers, you’re allowed to treat it as a big deal.
In the moment: scripts, pauses, and exits
When you’re unsure, your brain can go foggy. Having pre-loaded phrases helps.**Pause moves:**- “Hold up a sec, I need a break.”- “I need water / the bathroom / fresh air. One minute.”- Change position or move to a different part of the room.If they react with anger, guilt, or pressure to those tiny boundaries, that’s data.**Boundary phrases:**- “I’m not comfortable going further.”- “I’m done for tonight.”- “I don’t want to do that at all.”- “Stop.”You don’t owe a TED Talk explanation. A full sentence is optional; a clear “no” is enough.**Exit lines (if they keep pushing):**- “You’re not listening to me; I’m leaving.”- “This doesn’t feel good anymore. I’m going home.”- “I said no. I’m done talking about it.”If you’re drunk, high, half-asleep, or emotionally wrecked, you’re *especially* allowed to tap out. You never owe access to your body just because you’re already partially undressed, already made out, already said yes to something else, or “led them on.”If your experience doesn’t match any example perfectly—maybe it was half hot, half weird—that’s still real. You don’t have to defend your confusion. Bring the grey-area story to Gush and unpack it at your own pace with someone who’s not going to rush you to a label.
How your menstrual cycle and hormones can blur the lines
Again: coercion is a behavior choice, not a hormone side effect. But your inner state matters.- **Menstrual phase (bleeding)**: Low estrogen/progesterone can mean low energy, more pain, and a “please don’t touch me” vibe—or sometimes craving soothing and closeness.- You might go along with something because you want comfort, then feel weird later if it turned more sexual than you wanted.- **Follicular phase**: Rising estrogen usually means better mood, more confidence, and more social energy.- You might agree to plans or sexual vibes when you’re feeling good, then feel locked in later when your mood shifts.- **Ovulation**: Peak estrogen (and sometimes testosterone) can increase sex drive and attraction.- You might be more likely to initiate or say yes, which is fine—but if someone uses your turned-on state to push further than you want, that’s on them, not your hormones.- **Luteal / PMS**: Progesterone up, then dropping. That’s when many people feel more anxious, weepy, or on edge.- You might look back on a sketchy situation and *finally* feel how off it was.- Manipulators often weaponize this: “You only think it was weird because you’re PMS-ing.”On **hormonal birth control**, your libido, mood, and emotional range can shift. Some people feel:- Lower sex drive and more discomfort with sexual touch.- More anxious or down, making it harder to speak up.None of that makes your no less valid. You don’t owe sex to “fix” a BC-induced libido dip, and anyone who pressures you because “you’re on the pill anyway” is waving a huge red flag.
Afterward: how to process it without gaslighting yourself
Once you’re safe and alone, you can:1. **Write out what happened, step by step**Include:- What you did and said.- What they did and said.- How your body felt at each moment.Don’t edit for how it *should* sound—just dump it.2. **Mark where your body said “no” even if your mouth didn’t**Freeze, fawn (people-pleasing), or going along to “get it over with” are common survival responses.3. **Ask yourself consent questions**- Was I sober/awake/clear-headed enough to choose freely?- Did I feel like I had the real option to say no or stop?- Did they respond with care or pressure when I hesitated?4. **Notice patterns**Is this a one-off weird night, or has this person pushed past your comfort before? Patterns matter more than a single label.
Who you can talk to when you don’t want “a whole thing”
You’re allowed to want support *without* wanting drama, police, or parents involved.Options:- **One trusted friend** who listens more than they talk and doesn’t pressure you toward any specific action.- **Campus counseling or health center** – often confidential, used to grey-area situations.- **Sexual assault centers / hotlines** – you can ask hypothetical or anonymous questions; they won’t force you to report.- **Online chats** with trained volunteers or educators who understand consent, coercion, and how cycles/hormones intersect with all of it.When to seek medical care:- Any genital pain, bleeding, or injury after the encounter.- Pregnancy scare, STI exposure, or missed period.- Your cycle suddenly goes irregular from stress—long delays, missing multiple periods, or period symptoms get way worse.Your job isn’t to build a legal case against them. Your job is to take your own discomfort seriously and protect the future you.
