If I’ve been through trust issues before, how do I build trust in a new relationship without turning into the “I need constant reassurance” version of myself?
Q: If I’ve been through trust issues before, how do I build trust in a new relationship without turning into the “I need constant reassurance” version of myself?A: You don’t fix trust issues by pretending you’re chill; you fix them by choosing safer people, moving slower, and staying honest about what you need. Trust is built through consistent behavior over time, not speeches about loyalty.Healthy trust isn’t “never needing reassurance.” It’s being able to say, “Sometimes I get anxious because of my past. Here’s what helps,” without shame—and pairing that with your own tools so your partner isn’t your 24/7 emotional anxiety pill.Think: clear boundaries, transparent communication, small experiments in vulnerability, and reality-checking your fears (especially when hormones or your cycle crank anxiety to max). You are allowed to need reassurance. The goal is to need it less often and from multiple sources—including yourself.If you’re noticing old trust wounds flaring in a new relationship, you can unpack that with Gush and sort what’s them, what’s you, and what’s your hormones.
How to build trust in a new relationship after being hurt
Start by choosing someone actually trustworthy, not just someone attractive
No amount of self-work can make an untrustworthy person safe.Look for:- Consistency: Do their words match their actions over weeks and months?- Accountability: Can they apologize without excuses and change behavior?- Transparency: They don’t get sketchy about where they are, who they’re with, or why they were MIA.- Emotional regulation: They can be frustrated without lashing out, blocking you, or doing petty revenge.Red flags when you already have trust issues:- They brag about cheating in the past but say they “grew” with zero detail.- They love-bomb you early, pushing for fast intimacy and commitment.- They get defensive or secretive about their phone, exes, or DM habits.You’re allowed to be picky. You’re not “paranoid”; you’re protecting a heart that’s already seen some shit.
Have the uncomfortable talk: naming your trust history without apologizing for it
You don’t owe anyone a trauma TED talk on the first date. But once things start feeling real, having a direct conversation about your history is powerful.Try something like:“I want to be honest with you. I’ve had experiences with cheating/lying in past relationships, and it left me with some trust triggers. I’m working on it, and I don’t want to treat you like my ex. When I get anxious, it helps me if you’re clear and direct instead of pulling away.”Pay attention to how they respond:- Green: “Thanks for telling me. What usually triggers you? How can I support you?”- Yellow: “That’s a lot, but I’ll try.” (Watch their follow-through.)- Red: “That’s not my problem,” “So you’re crazy,” or making jokes about it.If they use your honesty against you later (“You’re just insecure, remember?”), that’s not your person.If you’re thinking, “None of this quite fits—my trust issues feel more intense/complicated,” you don’t have to minimize that. You can lay out the whole messy pattern with Gush and get support that meets you where you actually are.
Healthy reassurance vs. constant checking: where the line is
Needing reassurance sometimes = normal and human.What healthy reassurance looks like:- You say, “Hey, my anxiety is loud today. Can you let me know when you get home safe?”- They share plans, check in, and respond with basic consideration.- You feel calmer after, not like you need another hit 5 minutes later.What slides into constant reassurance:- Re-reading their texts 20 times to see if the tone changed.- Asking the same question (“Are you mad?” “Are you cheating?”) over and over.- Needing them to respond immediately or spiraling.To shift this:- Set specific agreements: “If you’re going out, just send a quick ‘home now’ text before bed.”- Use time limits with your brain: “If they haven’t replied in 3 hours, I’ll check in. Until then, I’m not rereading our last message.”- Build other anchors: friends, routines, journaling, movement.Your partner can support your healing; they can’t be the whole treatment plan.
How your menstrual cycle and hormones can stir up trust anxiety
Hormones absolutely mess with how safe or abandoned you feel.- Menstrual phase: Low estrogen and progesterone can mean low energy, lower mood, and more sensitivity to pain and rejection. Ghosting or slow replies hit harder. You might crave more comfort, cuddles, and verbal reassurance. That’s allowed—just name it.- Follicular phase: Rising estrogen boosts mood, motivation, and cognitive function. You’re more resilient and optimistic. This is a good time to have harder conversations about trust and agreements because you’re less likely to catastrophize.- Ovulatory phase: Peak estrogen, some testosterone, and a surge of LH make you feel confident, sexy, and connected. You may bond harder, want more sex, and overlook small trust issues. Don’t let ovulation goggles blind you to patterns.- Luteal phase (PMS): As progesterone rises then crashes, anxiety, irritability, and doom-thinking can increase. Old wounds feel fresh. You might spiral more about cheating, abandonment, or “they’re pulling away.” Make a note: “Is this a luteal thought?” It doesn’t make it fake, but the volume may be turned up.On hormonal birth control, these swings can flatten or shift. Some people get more anxious or down; others feel steadier. If you notice your worst trust spirals align with certain pill weeks or bleeding patterns, that’s worth discussing with a clinician.Irregular cycles can also make emotional waves feel unpredictable, which makes trust feel shakier. Tracking symptoms (mood, sleep, anxiety) can help you see patterns even if your bleed dates jump.
Tools for building self-trust so you don’t need constant external proof
Self-trust is not “I never get anxious.” It’s “I know I can handle my anxiety without burning my life down.”Try:- Journaling facts vs. fears: “Fact: They texted they’re at dinner with X. Fear: They’re cheating.”- Body check-ins: Where do you feel trust vs. fear? Chest tight, gut twisted—okay, slow down, breathe, move, drink water.- Setting micro-boundaries with yourself: “I will not check their location tonight. If I’m anxious, I’ll text once clearly, then do X to calm myself.”Also: notice when you *were* right in the past—not to stay paranoid, but to honor your intuition. Then distinguish between intuition (grounded, calm knowing) and anxiety (racing, catastrophic, desperate).
When to get extra support
Some trust issues are garden-variety “I’ve been hurt”; some are compounded by trauma, attachment wounds, or hormonal/mental health conditions (like PMDD, anxiety disorders, PTSD).Consider getting more support if:- Your trust anxiety is wrecking your sleep, appetite, or ability to focus.- You’re having intense mood swings tied to your cycle.- You feel out of control—checking, stalking, arguing constantly.Therapy, support groups, and medical care (for cycle-related mood disorders or hormonal issues) can all be part of the solution.You are not “too broken to trust.” You’re a person whose body and brain are trying very hard to protect you, sometimes in messy ways. The work now is giving them better tools—and choosing people who actually deserve your softness.
