How to safely exit a relationship with broken boundaries

1 Jan

What if I still love him but know the relationship is unsafe?

Loving someone who scares you doesn’t cancel out the danger; it just makes leaving more painful. Trauma bonds are real: your brain has been wired to connect relief after conflict with “love,” thanks to hits of cortisol (stress), adrenaline, and oxytocin (bonding). You can care about him and still choose not to be his bodyguard, therapist, or punching bag. Start by separating feelings from actions: “I love him” and “His behavior is hurting me” can both be true. Respect the second one more. Use your clearer phases of the cycle (often follicular/ovulatory) to plan logistics and reach out for help, and give yourself extra emotional padding during PMS. You don’t have to wait for love to disappear to leave. You can leave because *you* matter more than his potential.

How can I support a friend trying to leave a boundary-violating relationship?

Your job isn’t to drag her out; it’s to be the safe place she can land when she finally jumps. Believe her without minimizing (“he seems nice though”), help her name red flags, and gently reality-check her when she blames herself. Offer concrete help: a place to crash, going with her to talk to campus staff, helping pack, or storing a go bag. Encourage her to screenshot and log incidents. Check in more around her luteal/PMS phase, when anxiety and self-doubt can peak and she’s more likely to run back. Don’t trash him so hard that she feels she can’t come back to you if she does slip; shame keeps people stuck. Keep saying some version of: “You’re not crazy. You deserve better. I’m here when you’re ready.”

Can my period or hormones make me stay longer in a bad relationship?

Hormones don’t *make* you stay, but they absolutely can fog the math. During ovulation, high estrogen can boost optimism and make red flags look slightly pink. During PMS, high-and-dropping progesterone can crank up fear and hopelessness, making you think leaving is impossible or pointless. Add in oxytocin from sex or cuddling, and your brain literally bonds harder after intense fights and “makeup” moments. If you track your cycle and notice you always feel strong and ready to leave in one phase, then panicked and clingy in another, use that data. Plan big actions (moving money, talking to landlords, packing) for your higher-energy days, and line up extra support for the phase where you typically cave. If your mood swings are extreme or you suspect PMDD, talk with a clinician—your brain chemistry deserves care, not judgment.

Is it normal to miss him after leaving, even if he scared me?

Yes, and it messes with your head. You’re not missing the control, fear, or stalking; you’re missing the good moments, the routine, the version of him you hoped would win. Your brain is also withdrawing from a cocktail of hormones and adrenaline. Expect grief waves around your period (when everything feels louder) and weird nostalgia in more chill phases. That doesn’t mean you made the wrong call. Support yourself by keeping a reality list of what actually happened, leaning on friends when you’re tempted to text, and giving your body time to calm down. Think of it like detox—from him, from chaos, from being constantly on alert. Missing him is a feeling. Going back is a decision. You control the second one.If you want to gut-check a situation, unpack weird patterns, or just see if what you’re feeling is normal for your body and cycle, you can always hit up Gush. Think of it as the friend who actually answers at 2 a.m.—minus the judgment.