How to ask for and give consent

Do I really need to ask for consent every time in a long-term relationship?

In a long-term relationship, you don’t need a verbal contract for every single kiss—but you *do* need ongoing consent. Comfort and familiarity are not lifetime permission. Bodies change with stress, hormones, illness, meds, and the menstrual cycle. One night you might be all over each other during ovulation; a week later, in PMS, even light touch could feel overwhelming. So instead of robotic checklists, build habits: read their body, check in when you escalate ("Do you want more?"), and treat any hesitation like a yellow light. Especially if something new is happening—different acts, rougher sex, sex when they’re half-asleep—you always ask. Long-term doesn’t mean less consent; it means consent becomes woven into how you love each other.

How do I say no to sex without giving a long excuse?

You don’t owe anyone a PowerPoint presentation on why you’re not in the mood. A clear, simple no is enough: "I don’t want to have sex tonight." Period. If you *want* to share more, you can: "I’m exhausted," "My cramps are bad," "Mentally I’m not there." But that’s optional context, not a requirement. Especially across your cycle, your yes will change—maybe you’re usually down during follicular phase but totally over it during PMS. That doesn’t require justification. If they push for reasons, you can say: "No is a full sentence. I need you to respect that without trying to debate me."

What if I like rough sex—how does consent work then?

Liking rough sex doesn’t cancel your right to safety; it *increases* the need for explicit consent. Before anything intense, talk sober about what’s okay and what’s off-limits: choking, slapping, restraints, name-calling, etc. Decide on safe words (like "red" for stop, "yellow" for slow/less). During sex, your partner should check in: "This pressure okay?" "Too much?" Your interests can also shift across your cycle—maybe rough feels great mid-cycle when estrogen and testosterone peak, but during your period or PMS, your body wants gentler touch. You’re allowed to say, "I usually like it rough, but not tonight." Consent to rough sex is not one-time, and it’s never a blanket yes to anything they feel like doing.

Can hormonal birth control change my desire and boundaries around sex?

Yes. Hormonal birth control (pill, patch, ring, some IUDs, implant) can blunt or shift your natural hormone cycle. Estrogen and progesterone levels stay more steady, which can lower spontaneous desire for some people, change arousal, or cause vaginal dryness and pain with penetration. That can make you less interested in sex, more selective about when you say yes, or more sensitive to pressure. None of that makes you "broken" or "prude." It just means your body is operating under a different hormone pattern. You get to adjust your boundaries accordingly, even if you "used to" be more into sex before birth control. If sex feels off or painful, that’s a valid reason to slow down, say no more often, or talk to a provider about other options.

Is it still consent if I said yes because I felt guilty or pressured?

If your yes came from guilt, fear of a fight, or feeling responsible for someone’s emotions, that’s a coerced yes—not freely given consent. Real consent means you feel able to say no without punishment. If you’re saying yes because they’ll sulk, threaten to cheat, question your love, or blow up, that’s emotional pressure. Many people do this especially in long-term relationships or during phases where their libido is lower (PMS, stress, postpartum, birth control changes) and they don’t know how to hold the boundary. Your body can feel the difference, which is why you might feel gross or resentful afterward. You deserve sex that comes from "I want this," not "I’m scared of what happens if I don’t."If you’re sitting with questions, replaying nights in your head, or trying to decode what your body’s been telling you, you don’t have to do it alone. You can vent, ask, or just sanity-check things with Gush—a judgment-free space to figure out what feels right for *your* body and boundaries.