How can I tell the difference between someone genuinely misunderstanding me and straight-up gaslighting me, especially when they’re like “you’re too sensitive” or “that never happened”?

1 Jan

Misunderstanding is messy human communication. Gaslighting is psychological warfare on your reality.

If it’s a misunderstanding, they might get defensive at first, but they’re willing to listen, clarify, and own their part. They care more about the impact on you than winning the argument. When you bring receipts (texts, dates, examples), they go, 'Oh, damn, I didn’t realize. I’m sorry.'

Gaslighting is a pattern where your feelings, memory, and sanity keep getting questioned. Think: constant phrases like 'you’re too sensitive', 'that never happened', 'you’re crazy', plus your evidence somehow never counts. You walk away from conversations doubting yourself, not the situation. You feel smaller, confused, and weirdly guilty.

So: check the pattern, the power dynamic, and how you feel after. That’s where the truth lives.

If your brain is spiraling and your body’s screaming, you don’t have to untangle it alone. You can break it down in real time with Gush and talk through your cycle, symptoms, and what your body’s been trying to tell you.

How to tell if it’s gaslighting or just a misunderstanding

Look at the pattern, not the one fight

Anyone can say something clueless once. Gaslighting is not one bad night; it’s a repeated strategy.

Ask yourself:

Do they regularly twist what I said and then blame me for reacting?
Do I often leave conversations feeling confused or low-key insane?
Do they act sweet in public but rewrite reality in private?
When I try to clarify, do they double down instead of trying to understand?

Misunderstanding sounds like:

'I totally misread that. Tell me what you meant.'
'I didn’t realize that hurt you. I’ll do better.'

Gaslighting sounds like:

'You’re remembering it wrong.'
'You’re overreacting. Again.'
'Everyone thinks you’re dramatic, not just me.'

The intent shows in what they do after you tell them you’re hurt. Do they get curious? Or do they go on a PR campaign to protect their ego and make you the problem?

Spot the classic gaslighting moves

Some red-flag behaviors that scream psychological manipulation:

Reality rewrite

You bring up something they did.
They say it didn’t happen, or 'not like that'.
Your screenshots, voice notes, or literal witnesses are 'taken out of context'.

Emotion shaming

'You’re too sensitive.'
'You’re crazy, relax.'
'You always make everything a big deal.'

Translation: instead of dealing with their behavior, they attack your reaction.

Moving the goalposts

You explain exactly what upset you.
They suddenly pivot to a new issue: your tone, your past mistakes, your mental health.
The original problem never gets resolved.

Reputation gaslighting

They tell other people you’re unstable, jealous, or dramatic.
They act extra charming around your friends or family so if you speak up, you look like the 'problem'.

Misunderstanding might hurt. Gaslighting erodes your sense of self.

Your nervous system and hormones are part of the story

You’re not 'crazy' for reacting strongly. Your body is literally built to notice threat.

Quick nervous system breakdown:

When someone denies your reality, your brain flags danger.
Your stress system fires: cortisol and adrenaline spike.
Your heart rate jumps, your stomach knots, your thoughts race.

Now layer your menstrual cycle on top of that. Your sensitivity and emotional reactions can shift with your hormones:

Menstrual phase (bleeding): Estrogen and progesterone are low. You may feel tired, raw, and less able to tolerate emotional BS. Gaslighting here might feel extra heavy and hopeless.
Follicular phase (after your period, leading up to ovulation): Estrogen rises. Mood and energy usually go up. You may feel clearer, more confident, and better able to reality-check: 'No, that’s not what happened.'
Ovulatory phase (around the middle of your cycle): Estrogen peaks, a spike of luteinizing hormone triggers ovulation. You’re often more social and outward. If someone is charming in public and cruel in private, you might notice the contrast sharply during this phase.
Luteal phase (PMS window after ovulation): Progesterone rises, estrogen fluctuates. Many people report more irritability, anxiety, and sensitivity. Gaslighting during this phase can hit harder, because your brain is already more tuned to potential threats or rejection.

This doesn’t make your feelings less real. It just means tracking your cycle can help you notice patterns: Is this person only a 'problem' when I’m premenstrual, or do they consistently mess with my reality all month long?

If your experience doesn’t fit neatly into any pattern and you’re thinking 'my cycle and my emotions are all over the damn place', you can walk through it step by step with Gush and get a read on what your body’s trying to signal.

Misunderstanding vs gaslighting: receipts check

Try this experiment for a month:

Write down what happened after major conflicts: date, time, what was said, how you felt.
Note where you are in your cycle (period, mid-cycle, PMS-ish).
Later, when you’re calm, re-read it.

Ask:

Did they ever say, 'I see your point' or 'I’m sorry I hurt you'?
Or is every entry: I felt confused, they blamed me, I apologized?
Do they use your insecurities (mental health history, trauma, body image) against you?

Genuine misunderstanding:

Has variation. Some good talks, some awkward ones, some arguments.
Includes repair: apologies, changes, accountability.

Gaslighting:

Is a pattern of you being 'wrong', 'too much', 'confused'.
Has no real repair, just reset. Things go back to the same dynamic.

Birth control, mood, and why you might doubt yourself more

Hormonal contraception (pill, patch, ring, implant, hormonal IUD) can change how you experience mood and stress.

Some people notice:

Flatter mood or emotional numbness.
More anxiety or depressive symptoms.
Changes in libido and body image.

If you’re on birth control and being gaslit, you might:

Second-guess your anger: 'Is it my hormones or is this toxic?'
Feel too drained to push back.

What helps:

Track: mood, cycle (or bleed pattern), major conflicts.
If you notice constant self-doubt plus side effects, talk to a provider about other options.
Remember: even if your hormones amplify emotions, they do not create abuse out of thin air. Gaslighting is behavior, not a side effect.

In-the-moment tools when someone says 'you’re too sensitive'

You don’t have to hold a TED Talk on emotional intelligence in the middle of an argument. Try small, clear moves:

Reflect back reality:
- 'Here’s what I remember: [specific]. We don’t have to agree, but I’m not pretending it didn’t happen.'
Call out the shaming tactic:
- 'Calling me sensitive doesn’t address what you did.'
Set a pause:
- 'I’m not going to keep talking while my reality is being dismissed. I’m taking a break.'

Then go regulate your body: drink water, move, get outside, breathe. Notice how you feel after physical regulation. If, even when calm, your gut still says 'something is off', trust that.

When recognizing gaslighting means you start pulling away

Once you see the pattern, you can’t unsee it. Next steps:

Stop over-explaining. You don’t owe a PowerPoint on your feelings to someone invested in misunderstanding you.
Start confiding in safe people. 'Hey, this is happening. Can I reality-check with you?' Pick friends who actually listen.
Consider distance. You can limit access before you fully cut someone off.
If it’s a partner or family member, planning an exit (emotional or physical) can take time. That doesn’t make your experience less valid.

You are not 'too sensitive' for wanting basic respect. You are accurately sensitive to disrespect. That’s survival, not weakness.