How do I end things safely when he keeps ignoring my boundaries (showing up uninvited, nonstop texts), and I’m worried he’ll escalate if I block him?

You don’t owe this man access to you, but you *do* owe yourself safety. When someone ignores clear boundaries (showing up uninvited, blowing up your phone), that’s not “clingy,” that’s harassment—and you’re smart to think about escalation before hitting block. Start by quietly building a safety plan: loop in trusted friends, share your location, vary your routine, and decide where you’d go if you needed to leave fast. Save screenshots and dates of his behavior. When you’re ready, cut off contact in the safest way for you—this might mean muting first, then blocking, or changing your number/social handles. If there’s any history of threats, stalking, or violence, prioritize distance and outside support (friends, RA, campus security, or a hotline) over giving him “closure.” Your safety > his feelings. Always.If you want to talk through a safety plan, your cycle, or just how fried your nervous system feels, you can always Chat with Gush.

How to safely break up when he ignores your boundaries and won’t leave you alone

Step 1: Name what’s actually happening (no more sugarcoating)

Let’s call this what it is: boundary violations and harassment.Red flags you’re already seeing:- He shows up uninvited at your dorm, apartment, work, or social spots.- He sends nonstop texts, DMs, calls, or emails when you’re not responding.- He treats your “no” like a negotiation, not a decision.You’re not “overreacting.” When you feel your chest get tight every time your phone lights up, that’s your nervous system clocking a threat. Your body is doing exactly what it’s designed to do: protect you.So the goal isn’t “nicely ending things.” The goal is: minimize his access, maximize your safety, and keep a record in case you need backup.

Step 2: Build a quiet safety net before you pull back

Before you change a single setting on your phone, do this:1. **Tell at least two people what’s going on.**Friends, roommates, an RA, a sibling, a trusted coworker. Give them:- His full name and photo- Screenshots of texts/DMs- Places he’s showed up uninvited- Any threats, jealous behavior, or previous violence2. **Create a code word.**Something simple like “red” in a text means: *Call me now* or *come get me*. You shouldn’t have to explain while you’re scared.3. **Plan where you’d go if things blow up.**A friend’s place, your parents, a different dorm, a women’s shelter, or even a public spot with security (library, campus center). Know your “land here” spot *before* you need it.4. **Change up your routine a bit.**- Vary the times you leave/come home.- Don’t walk alone if he knows your usual route.- Turn off location sharing with him and anyone who might show him.5. **Start a private log.**Use Notes, a locked Google Doc, or a paper notebook to track:- Date/time- What he did (showed up, called 30 times, etc.)- How you responded- Any witnessesThis log + screenshots = evidence if you need a no-contact order or want campus/police support.

Step 3: Digital boundaries that keep you safer (not just “less annoyed”)

Going zero-contact is the long-term goal, but sometimes a hard block can trigger escalation. You know him; you know what feels safest.Options, from quietest to loudest:- **Mute and filter first.**- Mute his texts instead of reading them.- Use “filter unknown senders” and move him there.- On social, restrict him so he can comment but no one else sees it, or quietly limit what he can see.- **Keep receipts before you block.**Screenshots of:- Threats (“I’ll ruin your life,” “If you leave me…”)- Admissions (“I know you said not to come but I came anyway”)- Obsessive behavior (50 calls, constant messages)- **Then, when you’re ready, block strategically.**- Block on all platforms at once.- Tell friends not to relay messages.- Consider changing your number if he’s relentless.- **Update your tech safety.**- Change passwords and turn on two-factor authentication.- Turn off location sharing and “Find My” access.- Check for unknown logins/devices on your accounts.If your situation doesn’t fit neatly into this checklist—or you’re trying to figure out whether your panic is hormonal, trauma, or both—you can always talk it out with Gush and get personalized, cycle-aware support.

Step 4: How your menstrual cycle and hormones can mess with (or support) your exit plan

You’re not just battling him; you’re battling biology, stress, and a system that tells women to “be nice.” Understanding your cycle can help you plan when you feel most clear and grounded.**Menstrual phase (bleeding, ~days 1–5):**Estrogen and progesterone are low. You may feel drained, crampy, and emotionally raw. Cortisol (stress hormone) can feel extra loud. This is a good time to **rest, gather receipts, and plan quietly**, not necessarily confront.**Follicular phase (post-period, ~days 6–13):**Estrogen rises, boosting energy, focus, and confidence. Your brain is literally wired to be more future-oriented and optimistic here. This phase is powerful for:- Strategizing your safety plan- Talking to friends, RA, or a counselor- Setting up logistics: money, housing, backup**Ovulatory phase (~days 14–16):**Peak estrogen + a hit of testosterone: you might feel more social and assertive. If you decide to send a final boundary text or loop in authority figures (like campus security), this can be a strong time mentally.**Luteal phase (PMS window, ~days 17–28):**Progesterone rises (then drops). Many women feel more anxious, irritable, and overwhelmed. You might second-guess yourself or think, “Maybe I’m being dramatic.” That’s not you lying to yourself; it’s hormones turning up the emotional volume. Reminder: **If you feel unsafe, it’s valid—no matter where you are in your cycle.**If you’re on **hormonal birth control**, your natural hormone swings are blunted or altered, so your mood changes may be more linked to stress and trauma than your actual cycle. Irregular cycles or PCOS can also make patterns harder to see, so instead of tracking exact days, track **overall patterns**: when do you feel clearest, when do you feel most fragile?Seek medical support if:- Your anxiety is so high you can’t sleep or eat- You have thoughts of hurting yourself- Your PMS feels extreme (possible PMDD)Your emotional state is not “just hormones” to be dismissed. It’s data.

Step 5: Decide how (or if) you communicate the breakup

You do *not* owe him an in-person breakup if you’re scared of him.Safer options:- **Text or message only.** Short, firm, no debate:- “This relationship is over. I do not want any more contact. Do not come to my home, school, or work.”- **No direct message at all.** In higher-risk situations (stalking, threats, previous violence), advocates often recommend getting distance first and letting legal/official channels handle contact.- **If in-person is unavoidable:**- Meet in a public place.- Tell a friend where you are, share location.- Have them nearby or even sitting at another table.His reaction is not your responsibility. Your job is to get out alive and intact.

Step 6: When to pull in outside help

Take it up a level **immediately** if he:- Threatens to hurt you, himself, or others- Has access to weapons- Has physically hurt you or destroyed your stuff- Is stalking you (waiting outside, following you, tracking your location)Your options:- **Campus resources:** Title IX office, campus security, resident life, counseling center. Ask about no-contact orders or housing changes.- **Local domestic violence hotline or shelter:** They help with safety planning *even if you don’t live together* and *even if you’re not sure it’s “bad enough.”*- **Police report or protective order:** Especially if there are threats, stalking, or violence. Your screenshots and logs matter here.You are not “ruining his life” by protecting yours.

Step 7: After you leave – managing guilt, fear, and withdrawal

Leaving someone who scares you can still feel like a breakup, not just an escape. Your brain is detoxing from bonding hormones (oxytocin), adrenaline, and cortisol.Normalize this:- You might miss him *and* be scared of him.- You might feel guilty when he cries or plays victim.- You might feel relief, then sudden panic.Support yourself with:- **Rage journaling:** Write everything he did that crossed lines. Read it when you start romanticizing.- **Body care:** Eat, sleep, hydrate. Your nervous system is in fight-or-flight; basic care is not shallow, it’s survival.- **Community:** Friends, group chats, online forums, support groups. Isolation is where abusers thrive; connection is where you heal.You’re not being “dramatic.” You’re doing the bravest thing you can do: choosing yourself.