What’s the safest way to start setting boundaries or leaving when the person is super charming in public, but makes me feel crazy in private—and I’m worried no one will believe me?

1 Jan

When someone is charming in public and cruel in private, the safest move is to stop trying to convince people and start protecting yourself.

Your priorities: safety, receipts, and support.

You set low-drama boundaries first (less access, fewer secrets shared, slower replies) while you quietly gather evidence, rebuild your support system, and plan your exit. You don’t need their permission to leave, and you don’t need a jury to believe you before you decide you’re done.

People who abuse behind closed doors depend on your silence and self-doubt. You break that by believing yourself, documenting what’s actually happening, and making a safety plan that includes your emotional, physical, and financial reality.

If your body is buzzing with 'this feels dangerous', you can unpack it with Gush and talk through your cycle, stress, and what your gut’s been trying to shout over the noise.

How to safely leave a gaslighter everyone else loves

First rule: you don’t need a courtroom to know it’s real

Abusers who are charming in public count on two things:

Their halo: 'They’d never do that, they’re so nice!'
Your shame: 'No one will believe me, maybe I’m the problem.'

Here’s the truth: your experience is valid even if no one else sees it. Emotional abuse often happens in private because that’s where it’s easiest to deny.

Ask yourself:

How do I feel in my body before I see them? Sick? Tense? Numb?
How do I feel after I leave? Drained? Anxious? Small?

Your nervous system is not fooled by their public performance. Believe your body first, their reputation never.

Quiet prep: documentation, money, support

Before big confrontations or dramatic exits, quietly build your safety net.

1. Keep receipts

Save screenshots of texts, DMs, and messages that show patterns: insults, threats, denial, control.
Write a private log (in a notes app, password-protected doc, or paper journal you can hide): dates, what they said/did, how you felt.
Stick to facts: 'He called me insane and said no one would believe me.'

2. Strengthen your resources

If you share finances or housing, slowly build an emergency fund, even if it’s tiny.
Keep important documents (ID, insurance card, bank info) in a place you can grab quickly.

3. Rebuild your village

Abusers often isolate. Start reconnecting with people who knew you before them.
You don’t have to trauma-dump. Start with: 'Things are rough. I might need support soon.'

Boundaries that sound small but protect you a lot

You don’t have to announce 'I’m leaving you, you manipulative disaster' for things to start shifting.

Try:

Time boundaries
- Take longer to respond.
- Say 'I’m busy, talk later' and actually get off the phone.
- Stop answering late-night emotional emergencies that magically appear whenever you’re out or with friends.
Information boundaries
- Share less vulnerable info they can weaponize later.
- Stop updating them on your every move.
Emotional boundaries
- 'I’m not discussing this while you’re insulting me.'
- 'If you keep raising your voice, I’m ending this call.'

When you start doing this, watch their reaction:

Healthy person: might be confused, but can adjust.
Abuser: escalates, guilt-trips, or love-bombs to pull you back.

Your cycle, stress, and timing your moves

Leaving or setting boundaries is emotional heavy lifting. Knowing your menstrual cycle can help you time big decisions when you’re mentally clearer and more resourced.

Menstrual phase (bleeding): You might feel drained, crampy, and emotionally raw. This is a good time to rest, journal, and validate your feelings, not necessarily make huge moves.
Follicular phase (after your period): Rising estrogen boosts energy, focus, and motivation. This is a powerful window for planning: researching housing, saving money, making appointments, quietly widening your support network.
Ovulatory phase (mid-cycle): You’re often more confident, social, and articulate here. If you need to talk to friends, therapists, or support services, this phase can help you communicate clearly and advocate for yourself.
Luteal phase (PMS): Progesterone-dominant, with higher chances of anxiety, irritability, and mood swings. Abuse may feel unbearable here. Use that anger as data: 'Wow, I really cannot tolerate this anymore.' But wait to finalize big decisions until you’ve cycled through at least a few days and sanity-checked your plan.

If your cycle is irregular or you’re on birth control and can’t read clear phases, you can still track: energy, mood, and body signals. Chronic dread around this person is a red flag, no matter what your hormones are doing.

If all of this feels like a chaotic Venn diagram of hormones, emotions, and red flags, you can map it out with Gush and get personalized support instead of trying to decode everything solo at 2 a.m.

When no one believes you (at first)

Some people will only ever know the 'public' version of this person. That’s painful, but it doesn’t cancel your truth.

What you can do:

Choose who gets the full story
- Tell 1–3 trusted people everything. Not the whole world.
- Pick people who listen, not ones who say 'but they’re so nice!' on repeat.
Lead with impact, not diagnosis
- 'I feel unsafe and emotionally drained around them.'
- 'I’m leaving because I don’t like who I’ve become in this relationship.'

No one gets veto power over your decision to leave. You are not required to submit your trauma for peer review.

Safety planning if they might react badly

If you suspect they’ll explode, stalk, or retaliate:

Exit in stages
- Move valuables or essentials out slowly.
- Change passwords, log out of shared devices, turn off location sharing.
Don’t break up in an isolated place
- Choose public spaces or have someone nearby.
- If it feels unsafe to break up in person, text or call is allowed. Self-preservation beats etiquette.
Loop in professionals if needed
- Campus services, hotlines, local domestic violence organizations – they are for emotional abuse too, not 'just' physical.

Birth control, sex, and reclaiming your body as you leave

Abusive partners often:

Pressure you into sex.
Guilt-trip you for using contraception.
Ignore your pain (including period pain, cramps, or low libido).

As you set boundaries or leave:

Review your contraception: what’s actually best for you right now?
If you’re on hormonal birth control and want to change it, plan when you have support. Hormonal shifts plus breakup stress can be intense.
Remember: your body is not a reward for someone behaving decently. It’s yours, period.

After you leave: rebuilding trust in yourself

You might still hear their voice in your head: 'You’re crazy. No one else will want you.' You counter it by:

Keeping your logs and rereading them when nostalgia hits.
Tracking your mood across a few cycles post-breakup. Notice what happens to your anxiety, sleep, and self-esteem when they’re not in your life.
Letting anger move through you. Rage is not something to 'fix'; it’s a signal you were wronged and you deserved better.

You do not need the world to stamp 'approved' on your decision to leave. Trust the version of you who had the courage to admit: I’m not crazy. I’m done.