How do you handle family or friends who are ‘supportive’ in theory but weird in practice—like microaggressions, treating it as a phase, or not taking your relationship seriously?
You don’t have to accept "support" that hurts. Step one is naming reality: they say they’re okay with your queerness, but their jokes, questions, or dismissals are disrespectful. You get to set boundaries around that. That can look like calmly calling it out ("That joke isn’t funny"), spelling out your expectations ("I need you to treat my partner like you treat anyone else I date"), and deciding what access people get if they refuse to adjust. You can also choose your timing—hard talks when you’re not already emotionally fried or deep in PMS can help. Most importantly, you’re allowed to build a chosen family that fully believes you, even if bio-family needs to stay at arm’s length.If you need help scripting clapbacks that aren’t just rage-noises, Chat with Gush and practice saying the quiet part out loud.
How to deal with family who say they support your queer relationship but act weird
Step 1: Call it what it is
"We love you no matter what" hits different when it’s followed by:- "So which one of you is the man?"- "You’ll probably end up with a guy eventually."- Refusing to use the word "girlfriend" or "partner."- Treating your relationship as less real than your straight sibling’s situationship.That’s not support. That’s **performative tolerance** with a side of microaggressions.You’re not ungrateful for being hurt by this. You’re paying attention.Start by naming it **to yourself**:- "My mom says she’s fine with me being bi, but keeps erasing my girlfriend."- "My friends hype my queerness online but never invite my partner to couples stuff."Clarity is power. You can’t set boundaries around something you’re still gaslighting yourself about.
Step 2: Decide your actual goal
Before you go to war at Thanksgiving, ask:- Do I want them to **understand**, or just to **behave**?- Is this conversation about **education**, **protection**, or **closure**?- How much energy do I realistically have right now (mental health, school, work, hormones, all of it)?Your strategy will look different if you’re:- Still living at home and financially dependent.- Fully independent and choosing contact.- Not out to everyone yet.You don’t owe anyone your full queer theory lecture if what you actually need is: "Stop saying that or we’re leaving."
How your cycle and hormones affect how hard this hits
Family weirdness doesn’t magically hurt less because you "know they mean well." And your menstrual cycle can crank the volume up or down on how intense that hurt feels.Cycle crash course:- **Follicular phase (period to pre-ovulation):** Estrogen rises. Energy and mood often lift; you may feel more resilient and ready to hold hard conversations.- **Ovulatory phase (mid-cycle):** Estrogen peaks, LH surges. You’re often more social and confident—prime time for calm, firm boundary-setting.- **Luteal phase (post-ovulation to period):** Progesterone rises, then drops. PMS can bring anxiety, anger, tears. Microaggressions may feel like knives.- **Menstrual phase:** Hormones are low; you’re tired, maybe crampy. You might feel raw but also see things more clearly.How to use this, not fight it:- Try to schedule **planned** big talks in your **late follicular or ovulatory** days—more bandwidth, less overwhelm.- In your **late luteal phase**, protect yourself: leave earlier, sit near safe people, pre-plan exits. It’s okay to say, "I don’t have the capacity for this topic today."If your cycles are irregular, extremely painful, or your pre-period mood is so bad you’re thinking about self-harm or can’t function, that screams: talk to a medical provider about conditions like PMDD or other hormonal issues. Their bad behavior is still bad—but you deserve support managing how hard it lands on your nervous system.If your experience doesn’t line up with any of these hormone patterns, or you’re on birth control and can’t tell what’s what, you can drag your confusion to Gush and sort it out in plain language.
Scripts for calling out "fake supportive" behavior
You don’t have to deliver a TED Talk. Short and direct works.Microaggressions:- "Jokes about my sexuality aren’t funny to me. Please stop."- "When you say ‘it’s just a phase,’ you’re saying you don’t believe me. Don’t do that."Minimizing your relationship:- "When you call my girlfriend my ‘friend,’ it makes it seem like our relationship isn’t real. She’s my partner. Please use that."- "You take [straight sibling]’s relationship seriously. I need you to treat mine the same way."Nosy questions:- "Who’s the man in the relationship?" → "There is no man. That’s the point."- "So how do you even…?" → "My sex life isn’t up for family discussion."If they play the "you’re so sensitive" card:- "I’m not being sensitive. I’m being clear. You don’t have to fully get it, but you do have to respect it."
Using birth control and hormone info as conversation armor (if you want)
If you’re on hormonal birth control (pill, patch, ring, implant, some IUDs):- Your hormone levels are being managed artificially. That can mean steadier moods—or feeling emotionally flat, anxious, or depressed.- If they try to write off your boundaries as "PMS mood swings," you get to say: "No, I’m literally on birth control; my hormones are managed. This is just how I feel about being disrespected."On the flip side, if you *do* notice you’re extra raw pre-period, you can:- Plan heavier family events for more stable mood windows when possible.- Have grounding tools ready (music, a friend on text, stepping outside) when you’re in luteal phase and stuck at a triggering event.Your rage is real either way. Hormones don’t create the problem; they just change the volume.
Setting and enforcing boundaries (yes, for family too)
Boundaries are not punishments; they’re **conditions of access**.Examples:- "If you keep making comments about my partner, we won’t come to family dinner."- "We’ll visit, but if you start in on my relationship, we’re leaving."- "If you can’t stop misgendering my partner, I’m going to take some space until you’re ready to try."Then—this is the hard part—you follow through.They will probably:- Call you dramatic.- Say "family is everything."- Act like you’re the problem for asking not to be low-key bullied.You’re not breaking the family by setting boundaries. You’re refusing to keep breaking *yourself* to keep them comfortable.
Building and leaning on chosen family
Sometimes the healthiest response to "supportive in theory" bio-family is **less access and more community elsewhere**.Chosen family can look like:- Friends who use your labels and pronouns correctly without flinching.- Queer elders or mentors who’ve done the parents-conversation gauntlet already.- Partners’ families, if they’re safe and affirming.You don’t have to wait for your parents to "catch up" before you let yourself experience being fully seen.Putting distance between you and bio-family—emotionally, physically, or both—is not failure. It’s self-preservation.
