What’s the least awkward way to have the ‘are we exclusive / what are we?’ convo in a queer dating situation where labels can feel complicated (and I don’t want to assume)?

The least awkward way is to be honest, specific, and calm about what you want—without turning it into a courtroom scene. Start with yourself: do you want exclusivity, a label, clarity about seeing others, or just to know you’re on the same page? Then say it directly: "I really like you and I’m not seeing other people. I’d love to know how you’re thinking about this—do you want to be exclusive?" or "I’m not attached to a label, but I do care about who we’re sleeping with for health and emotional reasons. What feels good to you?"You’re not "too much" for wanting clarity; you’re just refusing to let confusion chew up your nervous system.If you want to script this around your actual feelings, cycle mood, or sexual health questions, Chat with Gush and rehearse it with someone who actually gets it.

How to have the "what are we" talk in a queer relationship without it being awkward

Why the "what are we" talk feels extra loaded when you’re queer

Queer dating doesn’t come with a neat, hetero movie script. That’s good (no default gender roles), but also chaotic (no default rules).What makes this conversation feel high-stakes:- **Labels = safety + politics.** "Girlfriend," "partner," "queerplatonic," "situationship"—they’re not just labels; they’re about identity and visibility.- **Past invalidation:** If someone’s had their sexuality, pronouns, or relationships questioned, they may be touchy about labels.- **Community drama:** Dating within small queer circles adds social pressure.You’re allowed to want clarity *and* hold space for nuance. The key is separating "I need you to define yourself" from "I need clarity on how you’re showing up with me."

Step 1: Get painfully honest with yourself first

Before you talk to them, talk to you:- Do you want **exclusivity**, a **label**, both, or just **logistical clarity** (who else they’re seeing/sex with)?- Are you asking because you genuinely want closer commitment—or because uncertainty is poking at your attachment wounds?- If their answer is "I’m not ready for more," will you stay, or will that quietly destroy you?No judgment. Wanting a girlfriend is valid. Wanting casual is valid. Lying to yourself is what hurts.

How your cycle and hormones affect your urge to define things

Your desire to DTR (define the relationship) might spike or plummet depending on your menstrual cycle phase.Quick hormone rundown:- **Follicular phase (period to pre-ovulation):** Rising estrogen often means more energy, optimism, and confidence. You might feel bold enough to initiate hard talks—or more chill about keeping things open.- **Ovulatory phase (mid-cycle):** Peak estrogen and a surge of luteinizing hormone can crank up libido and social drive. You might feel magnetic, crav e intimacy, and want to lock things down *or* ride the high of exploring options.- **Luteal phase (post-ovulation to period):** Progesterone rises, then falls. PMS can bring insecurity, irritability, and sensitivity. You might suddenly feel desperate for reassurance or ready to burn the whole thing down.- **Menstrual phase:** Low hormone levels can leave you tired but also surprisingly clear-headed. Less rose-colored glasses, more "What is actually happening here?"Strategy:- Try not to start this convo at the **peak of PMS rage** unless you’ve had a few cycles and know it’s not just hormonal distortion.- Many people find they communicate best in **late follicular or early luteal**: enough energy and confidence, not totally hijacked by hormones.If your cycle is irregular, extremely painful, or your mood crashes hard pre-period, that’s a separate health flag. But it still affects how safe you feel in relationships—and you’re not "overreacting" for needing extra reassurance during those times.

Step 2: Pick your timing like you’re picking a battle

Better options:- On a walk after a good date.- During a chill hang, not mid-cry or mid-sex.- When you both have time to talk—not right before work/class.Worse options:- Right after sex, when oxytocin is high and you’re both gooey and biased.- In the middle of a fight.- Via a 50-message essay out of nowhere.You deserve an answer that isn’t rushed or yanked out of them under emotional pressure.

Scripts you can steal and customize

For when you want exclusivity:- "I really like where this is going and I’m not seeing anyone else. I’d like us to be exclusive—how does that feel to you?"- "I feel best emotionally and sexually when I’m with one person. If that’s not where you’re at, I’d rather know than guess."For when you want clarity but not necessarily a label:- "I don’t need a specific label yet, but I do want us to be honest about who we’re dating and sleeping with—for feelings and for sexual health. What are you wanting right now?"- "I’m cool without a title, but I’m not cool with secret partners. Can we talk about what we’re each okay with?"For when you’re not sure what you want:- "I like you and I know I want you in my life. I’m still figuring out what kind of structure feels best for me. Can we check in about what you want and maybe revisit this in a few weeks?"If your brain freezes in live conversations, it’s valid to **start by text** and finish in person.If your situation or attachment style is messy and none of these fit, you don’t have to crowdsource scripts from TikTok strangers. You can walk through it with Gush and build language that sounds like *you*, not a script.

Reading their response (not just their words)

Green-ish flags:- They answer honestly, even if it’s not what you hoped.- They’re open to your needs, even if they need time.- They don’t call you clingy, dramatic, or "too intense" for wanting clarity.Red flags:- They dodge: "Why are we putting labels on things?" while benefiting from you acting like a partner.- They give you vague maybe language and never follow up.- They make you feel guilty for even asking.You’re allowed to decide ambiguous answers *are* answers.

Hormonal birth control, libido, and what you ask for

If you’re on hormonal birth control (pill, patch, ring, implant, some IUDs):- Your natural hormone rhythm is altered. Some people feel emotionally steadier; others feel numb or have lower libido.- Lower sex drive can make you question if you actually like them or just feel "meh" about everyone.If you noticed:- You started/stopped contraception and suddenly wanted to lock someone down *or* felt icked out by intimacy—that’s data, not a moral failing.Bring this into the convo if relevant:"My libido and mood have shifted since I started/stopped birth control, and I’m still learning what I want physically. I still need emotional clarity while I figure that out."

Handling rejection without gaslighting yourself

If they say "I’m not ready" or "I like you but don’t want exclusivity":- Believe them the first time.- Don’t turn it into a project where you perform Perfect Partner until they change their mind.- Ask yourself: "Can I genuinely do non-exclusive with this person without shredding my self-worth?" If no, let that be a boundary.You’re not needy for wanting commitment.You’re not heartless for wanting casual.You are, however, responsible for **not abandoning yourself** to stay in an arrangement that keeps you constantly anxious.