If a friend starts using different pronouns or changes how they present day-to-day, what’s the best way to be supportive without making it awkward or turning them into a “teaching moment”?

Q: If a friend starts using different pronouns or changes how they present day-to-day, what’s the best way to be supportive without making it awkward or turning them into a “teaching moment”?A: The move is simple: follow their lead, normalize it, and do your homework without making them your personal Gender 101 professor.Use their new name and pronouns like it’s the most boring, obvious thing in the world. If you mess up, correct yourself quickly (“she—sorry, they”) and keep talking. Don’t spiral into a five-minute apology monologue—that just puts the emotional labor back on them. Ask privately what support they want (correcting others? safety backup? bathroom buddy?), and respect whatever boundaries they set.Google the basics so you’re not grilling them for definitions. And when other people are disrespectful or clueless, you step up—so your friend doesn’t have to keep defending their existence like it’s a group project.Want to talk through how to show up for your people while also figuring out your own body and identity? Chat with Gush and get some straight-up, zero-bullsh*t support.

How to support a friend who changes pronouns or gender expression

Step one: listen, don’t interrogate

When your friend tells you they’re using new pronouns or shifting how they present, the correct reaction is not, “Wait, so when did you know?” or “What does that mean exactly?”Try this instead:- “Thanks for trusting me with this.”- “Got it—what pronouns do you want me to use?”- “Is there anything specific you want from me as you’re changing things up?”Then shut up and listen.Questions that are okay (if they seem open to talking):- “Do you want me to correct people if they mess up your pronouns?”- “Are there any spaces where you’re not out yet and want me to stick to your old name/pronouns?”- “How can I make hanging out with me feel safer/easier right now?”Questions that are not it:- “So… are you getting surgery?”- “Are you sure this isn’t just a phase?”- “Does this mean you’re not a girl anymore?” (Let them define that for themselves if they want.)

Using new pronouns without making it weird

This is where a lot of “allies” fall apart—not because it’s hard, but because they make it about their own guilt instead of their friend’s comfort.Some practical strategies:- Practice alone. Say sentences out loud in front of a mirror or while you’re walking: “They’re meeting me at 8.” “I loved their outfit today.” Your mouth will catch up to your brain.- Update them in your phone with the right name and maybe even their pronouns in the contact notes.- When you mess up:- Brief correction: “She—sorry, they—were in class earlier.”- Move on. No dramatic pause, no “Oh my god I’m so sorry I’m the worst ally ever.” That forces them to comfort you.If you want to check in later, keep it simple: “Hey, I noticed I slipped a few times with your pronouns. I’m working on it and I care about getting it right. Anything that would help?”

Don’t make them your personal Gender 101 teacher

Your friend is a human being, not a walking explainer video.If you’re confused about gender terms, pronouns, or transition, step one is literally to Google it. There are endless resources explaining nonbinary, genderfluid, trans masc, trans femme, neo-pronouns, all of it.What you can ask them about is their personal experience:- “How has it felt being out so far?”- “Are there things people do that make you feel especially seen?”- “Anything you want me to avoid?”That’s about connection, not extraction.And if they say, “I don’t really want to talk about it right now,” the correct response is, “Cool. Thanks for telling me. I’m still here for you.”Your friend’s experience might also be tangled up with their body and cycle in ways you don’t see—like dysphoria spiking before their period or certain clothes feeling unbearable at different times of the month. If you’re trying to support them (or yourself) through that, Gush can help you sort through what’s hormonal, what’s gender, and what’s both at once.

How hormones, periods, and dysphoria can collide

If your friend menstruates, there’s a decent chance their gender experience gets louder at certain parts of their cycle. Understanding this can make you a better ally.Quick breakdown:- Right before and during their period (late luteal + menstrual phases), estrogen and progesterone drop. Mood can tank, anxiety climbs, and physical symptoms (cramps, bloating, breast tenderness) spike. For someone who’s trans or nonbinary, this can make their body feel like an enemy: bleeding tied to “femininity,” changing chest size, swollen belly.- After their period (follicular phase), energy and mood often improve as estrogen rises. This can be a better time for social stuff, gender expression experiments, or hard conversations.- Mid-cycle (ovulation), libido and confidence can go up for some people, which might feel gender-euphoric—or extra dysphoric if fertility and “womanhood” messaging gets thrown at them.Hormones don’t “cause” their gender identity. But they can amplify how intensely they feel dysphoria or euphoria. So if you notice they’re extra raw one week every month, assume their body might be screaming at them and go heavy on gentleness and low on commentary about how they look.If their periods are severely painful, irregular, or disappear unexpectedly (and they’re not on hormonal birth control or puberty blockers), encourage them to see a provider who actually respects trans and gender-expansive patients.

Being the friend who steps up, not just “accepts”

Support isn’t just “I accept you.” It’s active.Things that matter:- Correct other people when they mess up pronouns or names—especially when your friend isn’t there to defend themselves.- Model the right language in group settings so your friend doesn’t always have to come out over and over.- Pay attention to safety. If you’re in a hostile environment (family gathering, certain bars, sketchy campus orgs), be the one who sticks close, leaves with them, or runs interference when someone is being weird.You can also:- Offer to go with them to queer/trans events, support groups, or clinics if they want backup.- Ask how they want to be introduced in new spaces (“This is my friend X, they…” vs “she…”). Then stick to it.

When you screw up (because you will)

You’re human. You’re going to slip, especially if you’ve known them a long time.What not to do:- Turn every mistake into a public self-drag performance.- Argue about how “hard” it is to remember.- Blame them: “Well I’ve known you as [deadname] for years.” That’s your problem to solve, not theirs.What to do instead:- Correct, move on.- Later, own it: “I realized I misgendered you a few times today. I’m sorry, and I’m working on rewiring my brain.”- Actually practice. Change isn’t magic; it’s repetition.Being supportive isn’t about being perfect; it’s about staying teachable without forcing your friend to be your teacher. You don’t have to fully “get” every detail of their gender to respect it. You just have to care enough to try—and keep trying.