If I’m dating men but I’m also attracted to women/nonbinary people, how do I talk about being bisexual/pan without people assuming it’s just a phase or for attention?
Your orientation is not canceled because your current partner is a man. Bisexual and pansexual literally mean "attracted to more than one gender" – not "currently dating all genders at once for your viewing pleasure." You get to name your sexuality based on your attractions, not your relationship status.When people act like it's a phase or attention-seeking, that's biphobia, misogyny, and pure ignorance, not a reflection of you. The key is to talk about it calmly and clearly, set boundaries around crappy comments, and stop auditioning for "believable" status. You can say you're bi or pan in your dating app bio, to friends, and to your partner without a PowerPoint of exes. Your body, your pattern of attraction, your label – full stop.Want someone to reality-check the gaslighting, or just untangle how your cycle, libido, or symptoms are messing with your head about this? Chat with Gush and say the quiet parts out loud.
How to talk about being bisexual or pansexual when you're dating a man
Your relationship status does not erase your orientation
Here's the core truth: **behavior is not the same as orientation**.- Orientation = who you're *capable* of being attracted to.- Behavior = who you're *currently* dating, kissing, or having sex with.So:- A bi woman dating a man is **still bi**.- A pan person in a long-term straight-passing relationship is **still pan**.- A lesbian who hasn't dated yet is **still a lesbian**.People struggle with this because:- Misogyny says women date men by default, so any other desire is treated as a phase.- Biphobia paints bi/pan folks as confused, greedy, or indecisive.- Queerness that looks "too normal" gets erased; queerness that looks "too loud" gets punished.Their confusion is not your homework.
How to actually say it: scripts you can steal
With friends:- "I'm bi, even though I'm with a guy right now. It just means I'm attracted to more than one gender."- "My relationship looks straight from the outside, but I'm not."- "If I end up marrying a man, I'm still not straight. Orientation doesn't change with the ring."With your partner:- "I want you to know I'm bi/pan. It doesn't mean I'm unsatisfied; it's just part of who I am."- "I'm attracted to multiple genders. I'm choosing *you*. Those two things can exist at the same time."- "This isn't a threat; it's context. I want you to know my whole self."With family:- "I'm bisexual. That won't change depending on who I date."- "You don't have to get it, but you do have to respect it."You don't owe graphic details or a trauma TED Talk. Name it, pause, let them react. Their discomfort is theirs to manage.If your story doesn't line up neatly with other people's expectations – like your desire spikes around ovulation, or you feel totally shut down sexually right before your period and wonder if you're lying about being queer – you don't have to decode that alone. Bring your messy, confusing mix of feelings and body stuff to Gush and get a human, non-judgy brain on it with you.
Calling out "it's just a phase" and "for attention" BS
When someone says:- "But you've only dated guys."- "Isn't that just college experimentation?"- "Are you doing this for attention?"They're really saying: "I only believe in queerness if it entertains or conforms to my stereotypes."You can respond:- "No, it's not a phase. It's my orientation."- "If I marry a man, I'll be a bi woman married to a man – not a straight woman."- "My sexuality isn't a performance for you."If someone keeps fetishizing you ("threesome?" jokes, asking for details), shut it down:- "My orientation isn't your porn category."- "If you can't be respectful, we won't talk about my sexuality at all."Protect your peace. It's okay to distance yourself from people who make your identity a punchline.
How your cycle and hormones can mess with how "queer" you feel
Sometimes the biphobia is external. Sometimes it's coming from inside the house (a.k.a. your brain + hormones).Your menstrual cycle can change how strongly you *notice* attraction, even if it doesn't change *who* you're attracted to:- **Follicular phase (post-period):** Rising estrogen and FSH can mean more energy, better mood, and more social curiosity. You may feel flirty with literally everyone.- **Ovulation:** Estrogen peaks, LH surges, and testosterone bumps. This is often when libido is highest. Your crushes might feel louder or more urgent – including same-gender or nonbinary attraction you usually shove down.- **Luteal phase (PMS):** Progesterone rises, then falls. You might feel more insecure, irritable, or touch-averse. You may doubt your attraction to *anyone* and spiral into "Was I making it all up?"- **Menstrual phase:** Low hormones can mean fatigue, pain, and less interest in sex – or for some, relief and comfort-craving.On **hormonal birth control** (pill, patch, ring, some IUDs):- Your natural hormone waves are flattened; ovulation is usually blocked.- Many people report lower or blunted libido; some feel more stable and more able to access their actual desires without constant hormone whiplash.If your desire for women/nonbinary people only ever shows up during one tiny window of your cycle and disappears otherwise, it can *feel* like a phase. But often, hormones are just taking a feeling that's always there and turning the volume way up.If your cycle is wildly irregular, extremely painful, or wrecking your mental health, that's a medical issue worth care – not proof that your queerness is fake.
Claiming space in queer community while in a straight-passing relationship
You're allowed to:- Go to queer events.- Put the bi/pan flag in your bio.- Call yourself queer.- Talk about queer issues and how they affect you.Being with a man doesn't make you an "ally" instead of queer. You're directly impacted by homophobia, biphobia, and patriarchy – even if people sometimes *assume* you're straight.If queer spaces make you nervous because you're straight-passing, try:- "I'm bi and currently in a relationship with a guy, but I want queer community."- Showing up, listening, not centering your straight-passing privilege, but also not erasing yourself.If someone tries gatekeeping:- "My orientation isn't up for debate because of my partner's gender."- And if they keep going – you don't have to stay. There are bi/pan-centered spaces that get it.
Dealing with your own guilt about being "not queer enough"
That weird guilt you feel – like you're taking up space from "real queers" – is just oppression doing cosplay as humility.Reality:- You might have safety or privilege in some contexts because you're straight-passing. That deserves awareness.- You might also feel invisible, invalidated, and left out in both straight and queer spaces. That deserves compassion.You don't fix that by shrinking. You fix it by:- Naming your sexuality clearly.- Backing other bi/pan folks when they get dismissed.- Using your straight-passing safety to challenge biphobic comments when it's safe for you.You are not a phase. You are not clickbait. You're a whole-ass queer person who happens to be dating a man right now.
