What does being asexual actually look like in real life, especially in dating—like how do you set boundaries around sex without it turning into a whole thing?
Asexuality means you experience little to no sexual attraction – not that you're broken, childish, or incapable of relationships. In real life, that can look like: wanting romance but not sex, being okay with some kinds of sex but not others, or just not caring about sex at all. You can still date, crush, fall in love, and have deep relationships.The key in dating is being upfront enough that people know what they're signing up for, and firm enough with your boundaries that you're not constantly pushed into "proving" love through sex. You get to say what kinds of touch feel good, how fast things move, and whether sex is on the table at all – and if someone makes that a drama, they're telling you they're not your person.If you're trying to untangle "am I ace, low libido, traumatized, or just exhausted and hormonal as hell?" you're not alone. You can walk through your patterns, your cycle, and your symptoms with Gush and get some real, non-judgy reflection.
What being asexual looks like in real life dating and relationships
Asexuality 101: attraction vs sex drive
Asexuality is about **sexual attraction**, not how often you have sex or masturbate.- **Sexual attraction**: "I want to have sex with that person."- **Romantic attraction**: "I want a romantic relationship with that person."- **Libido / sex drive**: Your body's physical urge for sexual release, which is influenced by hormones, stress, meds, and health.You can be:- Asexual with high libido (your body wants release; your brain isn't fixated on people).- Asexual with low or no libido.- Aromantic and asexual (no romantic or sexual attraction).- Asexual but romantic (wanting cuddles, dates, partnership, maybe even kissing, just not sex).There’s also the **ace spectrum**:- **Gray-asexual**: Rare or very low-intensity sexual attraction.- **Demisexual**: Sexual attraction only (or mostly) after strong emotional connection.If you rarely or never look at people and think "I want to do sexual things with you," ace might be your word – regardless of what your body does during your cycle.
What dating while asexual can actually look like
Real-life ace dating is not one-size-fits-all.Some possibilities:- **Sex-averse ace**: Sex feels uncomfortable, gross, or triggering. You want relationships without sex.- **Sex-neutral ace**: You don't care much either way; you might have sex for your partner sometimes, but it's not a big pull for you.- **Sex-favorable ace**: You don't feel much spontaneous sexual attraction, but you might enjoy some kinds of sex in specific contexts.Relationship setups:- Two asexual partners who don't have sex but share romance, touch, intimacy.- Ace + allosexual (non-ace) partners who negotiate boundaries – maybe limited sexual activities, maybe other forms of intimacy.- Open or poly setups where the allosexual partner has other sexual outlets.Your relationship is valid whether or not sex happens.If you're thinking, "Okay, but my desire crashes every luteal phase, I feel gross about sex on my period, and I'm on the pill and have zero libido – what does that make me?" that's the exact kind of messy overlap Gush can help you untangle. You don't have to decide your orientation in a vacuum from your body.
How to set sexual boundaries without it turning into a whole thing
You are allowed to make sex a non-negotiable. That doesn't make you cold or immature. It makes you honest.When to bring it up:- Before you're in a bedroom.- When things are getting flirty and potentially physical.- Early enough that they can opt in or out without everyone feeling trapped.Words you can use:- "I'm asexual, which means I don't really experience sexual attraction. I'm looking for [cuddly romance / emotional connection / partnership] without sex."- "Sex isn't part of what I'm offering in a relationship. If that's a must-have for you, that's okay, but we're not a match."- "Physical touch I like: [cuddling, kissing, holding hands]. Physical touch I don't do: [oral, penetration, being pressured to 'go further']."If someone responds with:- "I can fix that."- "You just haven't had the right person."- "So what do I get out of this?"That's your sign to leave, not negotiate.
Your hormones, menstrual cycle, and ace identity
Your menstrual cycle can affect your **libido**, mood, and physical comfort – but it doesn't change your core orientation.Cycle basics:- **Menstrual phase (bleeding):** Low estrogen and progesterone. Many people feel tired, crampy, and less interested in sex. Some use masturbation for pain relief. If you're ace, you might still want comfort, heat pads, cuddles, but not sexual touch.- **Follicular phase (after bleeding stops):** Estrogen rises, FSH works on egg follicles, energy and mood often improve. You might feel more social, more open to cuddles or even some sexual experimentation – or you might just feel less drained.- **Ovulation (mid-cycle):** Estrogen peaks, LH spikes, testosterone bumps. This is typically the highest libido window. As an ace person, you might feel:- A random surge in physical horniness with no specific target.- More sensitive genitals, increased discharge.- Confused because your body is turned on but your brain still isn't like "I want sex with that person."- **Luteal phase (PMS):** Progesterone rises, then plummets. PMS/PMDD can bring irritability, sadness, low self-esteem, and decreased desire, or sometimes clinginess and craving comfort.On **hormonal birth control**, your natural cycle is flattened:- Ovulation usually doesn't happen.- Many people notice reduced libido; some feel more stable and emotionally regulated.- If you're ace, BC can sometimes make your already low sexual interest even lower – which doesn't mean the pill "made you asexual," just that it lowered libido.When to consider medical advice:- Your libido suddenly drops off a cliff and it feels *different* from your lifelong pattern.- You're exhausted, losing hair, gaining or losing weight unexpectedly – could be thyroid, anemia, etc.- Sex is painful (think: endometriosis, vaginismus, infections, pelvic floor issues).Those are health issues, not proof that your orientation is fake. A doctor can help with pain and hormones; they do *not* get to tell you who you're attracted to.
Navigating shame, pressure, and "fixing it" culture
We live in a world where:- Sex is treated like the ultimate proof of adulthood, love, and worth.- Women's bodies are expected to be endlessly available, especially in relationships.So if you're asexual, of course you feel:- Broken.- Guilty.- Terrified someone will leave you.Here's the thing:- Wanting *less* sex than the culture demands is not a pathology.- You don't have to consent to sex to keep a partner.- If sex is a hard requirement for someone, they're allowed to want that – and you're allowed to say, "Then we're incompatible."You deserve partners who:- Believe you the first time.- Don't make your boundaries a debate.- See your body as yours, not a service provider.Asexuality in real life doesn't look like a headline. It looks like you, building relationships around what actually feels safe, intimate, and right in *your* body – and refusing to apologize for it.
