What does it mean to be nonbinary?

LGBTQ+ and Gender Iden...Nonbinary and Gender-E...

1 Jan

Q: What does being nonbinary actually mean day-to-day—like is it about how you feel internally, how you present, or both?

A: Being nonbinary means your gender isn’t only “woman” or “man.” It’s about your internal sense of self first—how your brain and body tell you “this is me.” For some people, that means feeling like both, neither, or something that shifts over time. Day-to-day, that can show up in pronouns (they/them, she/they, he/they, neo-pronouns), the name they go by, and how they move through the world.

Clothes, hairstyle, makeup, and body language can be part of it—but they do not define whether someone is nonbinary. A nonbinary person can look very “feminine,” very “masculine,” or anywhere in between and still be 100% nonbinary. Gender identity = internal truth. Gender expression = how (and if) they choose to show it.

Curious how your own gender, cycle, or symptoms might be tangled together? Chat with Gush and say exactly what your body’s been trying to tell you.

What does being nonbinary mean in everyday life?

Gender identity vs. gender expression: what’s actually going on

Let’s untangle the mess the world hands us.

Gender identity = your internal sense of being a woman, a man, both, neither, or something else.
Gender expression = how you show gender on the outside: clothes, hair, voice, mannerisms, makeup.
Assigned sex at birth = what a doctor put on your birth certificate based on your genitals.

Nonbinary lives in that first category: identity.

So yes, being nonbinary is primarily an internal experience. You don’t “earn” the label by cutting your hair short, burning your bras, or wearing shapeless hoodies. A nonbinary person might love dresses, nails, and eyeliner. Another might feel best in baggy jeans and a buzzcut. Both are valid. Both are nonbinary if that’s their truth.

Day-to-day, that internal knowing often shapes:

What name feels right
What pronouns feel respectful
What spaces feel safe (women’s spaces, mixed spaces, queer spaces, etc.)
How they want to be read by others—if at all

How being nonbinary can shape name, pronouns, and social life

Once someone realizes they’re nonbinary, they might change how they move through social spaces. That can look like:

Changing their name – Maybe they drop a super-gendered first name or use a nickname that feels less binary.
Updating pronouns – They/them is common, but some use she/they, he/they, or neo-pronouns (ze/zir, xe/xem, etc.). None are “more nonbinary” than others.
Adjusting language – Wanting friends to say “partner” instead of “boyfriend/girlfriend,” or “sibling” instead of “sister/brother.”
Choosing spaces – Maybe women’s-only spaces feel affirming. Maybe they feel suffocating. Maybe it depends on the day.

In daily life, it can be as simple as:

Introducing themselves with their name + pronouns.
Correcting people who misgender them.
Navigating forms that only offer “M/F” and deciding which box to tick to survive the system with minimal damage.

None of this changes who they are. It just changes how much friction they face moving through a world built on a binary they don’t fit.

Want help untangling how your gender feels in your body, especially around your period, mood swings, or birth control? Your experience doesn’t have to fit any script—talk it through with Gush for a one-on-one, judgment-free download.

Bodies, hormones, and why they don’t get to decide your gender

There’s a nasty myth that “biology” or hormones get the final say on your gender. No. Here’s what’s actually happening in a body that has a menstrual cycle (many nonbinary people do):

Menstrual phase (bleeding) – Estrogen and progesterone crash. You’re bleeding, maybe cramping, maybe exhausted. Emotionally, some people feel raw or detached from their body—this can heighten gender dysphoria if periods feel like a screaming reminder of being labeled “woman.”
Follicular phase (post-period) – Estrogen slowly rises. Energy often increases, moods may stabilize, libido can pick up. Some people feel more confident or “social” in this phase.
Ovulation – Estrogen peaks, luteinizing hormone (LH) surges, you’re most fertile. Many people feel physically attractive or horny; others feel weirded out that their body is in “baby-making mode” they never asked for.
Luteal phase (PMS) – Progesterone dominates after ovulation. Bloating, breast tenderness, irritability, anxiety, and depressive moods can hit. For some nonbinary folks, this phase brings intense dysphoria: “My body feels so woman-coded and I don’t.”

Hormones affect:

Mood
Energy
Sex drive
Physical sensations (bloating, cramps, tenderness)

They do not dictate gender identity. You can:

Have a uterus, ovaries, and periods and be nonbinary.
Have irregular cycles, PCOS, endo, or no period at all and still be nonbinary.
Take hormonal birth control that flattens your cycle and still experience your gender exactly the same.

If your cycle is irregular (missing periods for 3+ months and you’re not on hormonal birth control, super heavy bleeding, or debilitating pain), that’s a medical issue, not an identity issue. That’s your sign to push for actual healthcare, not gender policing.

Birth control, medical systems, and nonbinary dysphoria

Hormonal birth control (pill, patch, ring, shot, hormonal IUD):

Often suppresses ovulation and flattens the natural estrogen/progesterone curve.
Can make periods lighter, more regular, or disappear.
Can shift mood, libido, and body sensations.

For some nonbinary people, this feels amazing:

Less bleeding = fewer monthly “you’re a woman” reminders.
Fewer PMS/PMDD symptoms = less emotional chaos.

For others, side effects (mood swings, low libido, weight changes) feel like losing control of their body in a different way. None of these reactions make someone more or less nonbinary—they just show how powerful hormones are.

Medical systems love to assume: uterus = woman. So even just booking an appointment about your period, cramps, or fertility can feel like walking into a gendered war zone. Being nonbinary in those spaces means:

Hearing “women’s health” when they really mean “people with uteruses.”
Checking “female” on forms just to access care.
Being misgendered constantly while talking about your vulva, cervix, or bleeding.

This doesn’t make you less nonbinary. It makes the system lazy.

How being nonbinary can feel across school, work, and relationships

Day-to-day, being nonbinary can show up as:

Classrooms where teachers separate “boys and girls” for sex ed or activities.
Workplaces with gendered dress codes, “ladies’ nights,” and single-gender bathrooms.
Families who insist “you’ll always be my little girl” while ignoring everything you’ve said.
Dating where apps and partners expect you to play a hyper-feminine or hyper-masculine role.

Some experiences:

Joy when someone uses the right name/pronouns without being prompted.
Relief in queer spaces that say “all genders welcome” and actually mean it.
Exhaustion from constantly deciding: do I correct them or let it slide?
Rage when your body (periods, boobs, curves) is used to argue against your identity.

If you’re questioning your own gender: you don’t need dysphoria, medical transition, or a “nonbinary aesthetic” to be valid. Curiosity is enough. You’re allowed to try different pronouns, change your hair, shift your style, or just sit with the word “nonbinary” and see how it feels.

If you’re a cis woman reading this: your job isn’t to “get it perfect,” it’s to listen, believe people about themselves, and stop acting like biology is destiny.

Q: If someone comes out as nonbinary, what’s the most respectful way to ask about pronouns and name without making it awkward or feeling like I’m interrogating them?

A: The most respectful move is simple: ask once, clearly, and calmly. Try: “Hey, what name and pronouns do you want me to use for you?” Say it like you’d ask, “Do you prefer Jess or Jessica?”—normal voice, no whispering, no making it a whole dramatic moment.

Avoid overexplaining (“I’m just trying to be supportive, this is all so new, I’m such an ally…”). That makes it about your feelings, not their identity. Ask, listen, repeat what they say (“Got it—Ari and they/them”), and then actually use it. If you mess up, correct yourself quickly and move on.

The goal isn’t zero awkwardness. The goal is clear respect.

If you’re still spiraling about saying the wrong thing, unload it with Gush instead of on your friend—talk through scripts, boundaries, and what your body’s holding onto.

How to respectfully ask a nonbinary person for their pronouns and name

Rule #1: Ask. Don’t assume.

We’ve all been trained to clock gender from hair, clothes, voice, and body. That training is trash.

Respectful allyship looks like:

Not assuming pronouns based on appearance.
Not assuming name based on old yearbook photos or what their mom calls them.
Asking once, early, and clearly.

A clean, non-cringey script:

“Hey, what name and pronouns do you want me to use for you?”
“I want to get this right—what pronouns do you use?”
In a group: “Before we start, let’s do names and pronouns so we’re not guessing for anyone.”

Say it like it’s normal—because it should be.

Scripts you can literally steal

Different context, different phrasing. Here’s your cheat sheet.

For a friend who just came out to you:

“Thanks for telling me. What name and pronouns feel best for you?”
“I want to make sure I’m not misgendering you—what should I use?”

For someone you’re meeting for the first time:

“Hi, I’m Maya, I use she/her. What about you?”
“Name and pronouns?” (Short, but totally fine in queer spaces.)

In a group setting (clubs, study groups, dorms):

“Can we do a quick round of names and pronouns so we’re not guessing?”
“I’ll start—Jess, she/they. Who’s next?”

If you’re in a position of power (RA, club leader, organizer):

Add pronoun fields on forms.
Introduce with “I’m [name], I use [pronouns]; feel free to share yours if you want.”

Sharing your own first takes the pressure off and signals you’re not just targeting them.

Half-remembering scripts and feeling your throat close up when you go to say them? Practice out loud with Gush—get the awkward out of your body before you show up for your people.

How to not make it weirder than it needs to be

Things that make it awkward:

Whispering like it’s some taboo secret.
Announcing, “I’m so bad at this, you’ll have to be patient with me.”
Giving a TED Talk about how you’re trying really hard to be inclusive.

Here’s the fix:

Ask once, clearly.
Repeat it back: “Cool, Eli and they/them.”
Use it like normal.

If you mess up:

Quick correction: “She—sorry, they—were saying…”
Keep going. No melting down. No begging for forgiveness.

Long, emotional apologies force them to comfort you for misgendering them. That’s backwards.

What not to ask (and why)

Curiosity is normal. Entitlement is not.

Off-limits questions, especially right after someone comes out:

“So what are you, like percentage-wise?”
“Have you had surgery? Are you going to?”
“What’s your real name?” (Their current name is their real name.)
“What were you born as?”

Also, drop “preferred pronouns.” It sounds like a suggestion. Just say “pronouns.”

If your friend offers details about their body, past name, or medical plans, cool. But you don’t get to interrogate them because they trusted you with one part of their identity.

Bringing pronoun respect into health, periods, and body convos

This hits especially hard in reproductive and menstrual spaces.

Picture this:

Group chat talking about periods.
Someone who’s nonbinary joins in—maybe they bleed, maybe they don’t.
Everyone defaults to “girls” and “ladies” and “us women.”

Even if you’re cis, you can normalize inclusion:

Swap “girls” → “people who get periods” when you can.
If you’re in a clinic, class, or workshop, ask organizers: “Can we say ‘people with uteruses’ instead of just ‘women’?”

Nonbinary people can:

Have regular cycles, brutal PMS, or PMDD.
Experience the full hormonal arc: menstrual (low hormones), follicular (estrogen rising), ovulation (fertility peak), luteal (progesterone + PMS).
Be on birth control to manage pain, heavy bleeding, acne, or not wanting pregnancy.

Their pronouns and name don’t change because a doctor is staring at their cervix. The least we can do is match our language to their identity while they navigate systems that constantly misgender them.

Owning your learning curve without making them your teacher

You’re allowed to be new to all of this. You’re not allowed to dump that confusion on the one nonbinary person in your orbit.

Healthy moves:

Google the basics of gender identity, pronouns, and nonbinary experiences.
Follow trans and nonbinary creators who talk about this daily.
Correct yourself out loud so they see you actually trying.

Unhealthy moves:

Treating your friend like a walking Gender Studies department.
Asking them to defend why they’re nonbinary.
Saying “it’s just hard for me because I’ve known you as [old name] for so long.” (Your nostalgia is not their problem.)

You’re going to slip. You’re also fully capable of learning. Your friend doesn’t need you to be perfect—they need you to be consistent, honest, and willing to change.

Q: How do I support a nonbinary friend when family, work, or school keeps misgendering them—especially if they’re not out everywhere?

A: Start by asking them two things: (1) “Where are you out and where are you not?” and (2) “How do you want me to handle it when people misgender you?” Their safety and comfort set the rules.

Support looks like: always using their correct name and pronouns with them; correcting others when it’s safe and aligned with their boundaries; not outing them in spaces where they aren’t ready; and backing them up in systems (school, HR, professors, doctors) that move at dinosaur speed.

Emotionally, believe them when they say misgendering hurts, even if it seems “small.” Check in after hard interactions, offer scripts, and remind them their identity is real even when people refuse to see it.

If you’re watching someone you love get misgendered and your whole body is buzzing with rage and helplessness, bring that to Gush—you don’t have to carry it alone.

How to support a nonbinary friend when people keep misgendering them

Step one: Get crystal clear on where they’re out

Before you go full justice warrior, ask:

“Who knows about your name/pronouns?”
“Where are you out—family, work, school, online?”
“Are there any spaces where you don’t want me to use your new name or pronouns yet?”

Some people are out:

With friends, but not family.
At school, but not at their part-time job.
Online, but not in medical or religious settings.

This isn’t hypocrisy. It’s survival. Outing someone in a hostile space can cost them housing, money, safety, or mental health.

So your rule is simple: follow their lead. Correcting misgendering is powerful—but never at the expense of the person you’re supposedly protecting.

Everyday ally moves: language and gentle corrections

Here’s how you can reduce daily damage in spaces where they are out.

With your friend directly:

Use their name and pronouns every time, even when they’re not around.
Use gender-neutral language when it fits: “sibling,” “partner,” “kid,” “friend.”

Correcting others (when safe and allowed):

Subtle version:

They: “She left her bag.”
You: “Oh, they left their bag on the chair.”

Direct version:

“Hey, FYI, Jay uses they/them pronouns.”
“Actually, they go by Ari now.”

If someone whines, “It’s just so hard to remember,” you can calmly say:

“You remember people’s names and Wi-Fi passwords. You can remember this.”

You’re not there to hold everyone’s hand through basic respect—you’re there to make it obvious that misgendering isn’t the default.

Hit a wall trying to find language that feels right in messy family or school settings? Workshop exact sentences with Gush so you’re not going in unarmed.

Navigating family drama and chosen family support

Family misgendering hits different. It’s decades of history plus zero effort to change.

Ways you can show up:

Mirror your friend’s boundaries. If they’re calling out their mom, back them. If they’re playing it low-key for safety, follow that.
Use correct language in front of family when your friend is out there. Normalize it, even if relatives roll their eyes.
Debrief after gatherings. “That looked rough. Want to talk about it or distract yourself?”

If they’re not out to family yet:

Don’t use their name/pronouns in front of family unless they explicitly say it’s okay.
Keep affirming language for private: texts, calls, group chats, in-person hangouts.

Sometimes your role is to be chosen family—the space where they never have to flinch, explain, or justify.

School, work, and medical systems: where misgendering gets institutional

This is where the bureaucracy hits.

At school:

Offer to email professors: “Hey, just a heads-up—[Name] uses [pronouns]. Can you update your roster?”
In group projects, start intros with names and pronouns.
If your campus has a diversity office, go with them to ask about updating records, IDs, and housing.

At work:

Encourage them to put their name and pronouns in email signatures if they want and it’s safe.
Back them when coworkers “forget.” A simple, “Actually, they use they/them,” goes a long way.
Support them if they choose to talk to HR—or decide it’s not safe yet.

In medical and reproductive health spaces:

Nonbinary people who have periods, vulvas, uteruses, or can get pregnant get hit twice: by gendered assumptions and medical gaslighting.

You can:

Offer to go with them to appointments as backup.
Use their name and pronouns in front of staff: “They’ve been bleeding heavily for three weeks,” “They’re having pelvic pain.”
If a provider keeps saying “she” after being corrected, gently chime in again. If your friend looks uncomfortable, follow their lead on whether to push harder or just escape.

Remember: their hormonal reality doesn’t erase their gender. They might be:

Riding the menstrual cycle rollercoaster—bleeding (menstrual), rebuilding (follicular), fertile (ovulation), PMS-ing (luteal).
Dealing with irregular cycles, intense cramps, or PMDD.
On birth control for pain, acne, endo, or pregnancy prevention.

Misgendering in these already vulnerable moments makes everything worse. Your presence can make it survivable.

When misgendering is burning them out emotionally

Constant misgendering is death by a thousand cuts. You can’t stop every one, but you can:

Validate, don’t minimize. “Yeah, that sucked. You’re not overreacting.”
Normalize their anger. Rage is a sane response to being erased.
Check in proactively. “Family dinner this weekend—do you want a check-in call after?”

If they’re showing signs of serious distress—can’t get out of bed, self-harm thoughts, intense anxiety—they deserve real support:

Help them look up queer-competent therapists.
Share crisis resources if they’re in immediate danger.
Remind them: “The problem is the system, not you.”

You’re not their therapist or savior. You’re a witness, a buffer, and a teammate.

Protecting your own energy while staying in the fight

You’re allowed to tap out sometimes. Being the one who always corrects, always explains, always pushes back is exhausting—even when you’re not the one being misgendered.

Find your balance:

Pick your battles: maybe you go hard at school and keep it lighter at family dinners.
Share the load: get other friends on board so you’re not a solo ally.
Recharge: vent to people who get it, move your body, do things that remind you life is bigger than this fight.

Supporting a nonbinary friend isn’t about being a perfect ally robot. It’s about being consistently on their side while also protecting your own mental health so you can stay in it for the long haul.

People Often Ask

Can you be nonbinary and still use she/her or he/him pronouns?

Yes. Pronouns do not equal gender identity. Some nonbinary people use they/them, some use she/they or he/they, and some use only she/her or he/him while still identifying as nonbinary. Why? Because pronouns are a tool for communication, not a full biography.

A nonbinary person might:

Feel safer using she/her at work while using they/them with friends.
Like the sound of he/him but still not feel like a man.
Shift pronouns over time as they explore what fits.

Your job isn’t to decide if their pronoun choice “makes sense.” Your job is to use what they ask for, full stop. If you’re unsure, ask: “What pronouns do you want me to use for you?” and then actually use them.

Can you be nonbinary and still have a period or get pregnant?

Absolutely. Being nonbinary is about gender identity, not whether your body can menstruate or get pregnant. Many nonbinary people have ovaries, uteruses, and cycles that move through the usual hormonal phases: menstrual (bleeding, low hormones), follicular (estrogen rising), ovulation (fertility peak), and luteal (progesterone + PMS).

They may:

Have regular or irregular periods.
Experience cramps, heavy bleeding, or PMDD.
Use birth control to prevent pregnancy or manage symptoms.

None of that cancels their gender. If anything, dealing with a period in a world that screams “this is what womanhood is” can be intensely dysphoric and exhausting.

If your cycle is extremely painful, super irregular, or you’re missing periods (without being on hormonal birth control), that’s a medical issue worth bringing to a provider—not a gender verdict.

Is being nonbinary the same as being genderfluid?

Not necessarily. Nonbinary is an umbrella for anyone whose gender isn’t strictly “man” or “woman.” Genderfluid is one specific experience under that umbrella where someone’s gender shifts over time—day to day, month to month, or across years.

So:

All genderfluid people are nonbinary.
Not all nonbinary people are genderfluid.

Some nonbinary folks feel pretty stable in one identity (like “agender” or “bigender”). Others notice their sense of gender moves—feeling more masculine some days, more feminine others, or outside the binary altogether.

If your gender feels like a playlist that changes with mood, hormones, or life events, “genderfluid” might resonate. If labels feel confusing, you can stick with “I’m not fully a woman or a man” and build from there.

How do I know if I might be nonbinary?

You won’t get a blood test or brain scan that says “Congrats, you’re nonbinary.” You get patterns, relief, and resonance.

Common signs:

“Woman” or “man” has always felt slightly off, like a shirt that almost fits but not quite.
You feel weird when people lean hard on gendered labels for you (“such a good daughter,” “real man,” etc.).
Nonbinary stories hit you in the gut—in a “oh sh*t, that’s me” way.
You feel more like yourself in androgynous or mixed-gender expression.

Experiment safely:

Try different pronouns with close friends or online.
Journal about how gendered language makes you feel.
Notice your reaction when you imagine living openly as nonbinary.

If the word nonbinary brings more relief than fear, pay attention to that. You’re allowed to try it on, change your mind, or keep exploring.

If you’re sitting with a thousand half-formed questions—about gender, your cycle, symptoms, or just “is this normal?”—you don’t have to figure it out in your own head. Bring the messy, unedited version to Gush and sort it through with someone who actually listens.

Lauren Hanson