How to identify and communicate sexual desires

Q: How do I even figure out what I like sexually when I feel like I’ve mostly absorbed vibes from porn, TikTok, or past situationships?

A: You figure out what you like sexually by treating your desire like a science experiment, not a performance review. Step away from the scripts (porn, TikTok, exes), then start noticing what actually turns your body on: fantasies, sensations, positions, power dynamics, and pacing. Use solo sex, guided prompts, and journaling to test things slowly. Track when you feel more or less desire across your menstrual cycle—estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone all shift how horny you feel, how easily you get wet, and what kind of touch feels good. From there, build a “yes/maybe/no” list that’s allowed to evolve. You’re not late, broken, or boring for not knowing yet—you’ve just been watching everyone else’s storyboard. Now you’re writing your own.

Want to unpack what your body’s actually into? You can always chat with Gush and say the messy, honest stuff you’re not ready to say out loud yet.

How to figure out what you like sexually when you’ve only learned from porn and TikTok

Step 1: Admit your sexuality has been low‑key colonized

You grew up marinating in porn clips, TikTok thirst traps, and a patriarchy that treats women’s pleasure like an optional side quest. Of course your desires feel borrowed.

So start here: instead of asking, “Why don’t I know what I like?” ask, “What would it look like to find out…on my terms?”

Some clues you’re running on autopilot:

• You’re more focused on how you look than how you feel.
• You do things because “that’s what hot girls do,” not because your body’s screaming yes.
• You can’t tell if you like something or if you’re just relieved you’re being perceived as sexy.

Naming that is not a failure; it’s step one in taking your sexuality back from the algorithm.

Step 2: Get curious with yourself (yes, that means solo sex)

If your only “research” has been other people’s highlight reels, you need some lab time with the main character: you.

Ways to explore without pressure:

• Mindful masturbation: Instead of rushing to orgasm, set a 10–20 minute timer. Try different strokes, pressure, lube, toys, or no toys. Pay attention: What makes you breathe faster? Clench? Lose focus? That’s data.
• Fantasy check‑in: What scenarios pop up when you touch yourself—or when you’re daydreaming? Soft and romantic? Rough and bossy? Exhibitionist? Being taken care of? You don’t have to do every fantasy in real life, but they’re huge clues.
• Body mapping: Clothes on or off, slowly touch different areas: neck, scalp, inner thighs, hips, nipples, stomach. Rate sensations from 1–10. What wakes your body up vs. what feels annoying or neutral?

This is not about being “good at sex.” It’s about becoming fluent in your own turn‑ons.

How your menstrual cycle affects sexual desire

Your hormones are not background noise—they literally rewire your libido and preferences week to week.

Quick cycle breakdown (for people not on hormonal birth control, assuming ~28 days, but ranges are normal):

• Menstrual phase (bleeding, ~days 1–5): Estrogen and progesterone are low. Many people feel tired, crampy, and touched‑out. Desire can dip—but some feel extra horny because pelvic congestion and uterine contractions make orgasms feel intense. If you’re into period sex, great. If you’re not, also great.
• Follicular phase (post‑period, ~days 6–13): Estrogen climbs, boosting energy, mood, and blood flow to your genitals. Testosterone quietly rises too. This combo can mean more spontaneous arousal, easier lubrication, and more “let’s try something new” energy.
• Ovulation (mid‑cycle, ~days 13–15): Peak estrogen + a testosterone bump. Biologically, your body’s like, “Babies? Now?” so libido often spikes. You might feel bolder, more into sex, more open to intense sensations or roleplay.
• Luteal phase (PMS zone, ~days 16–28): Progesterone rises, calming but also causing bloating and tenderness. Some feel extra clingy and crave slow, comforting sex; others feel irritable and want no one touching them. Estrogen drops near the end, which can tank mood and desire.

If your cycle is irregular (super long/short, unpredictable, or you skip periods), your hormone pattern—and libido—might be less predictable. That’s valid, just more reason to track.

On hormonal birth control (pill, patch, ring, many IUDs), natural estrogen/testosterone surges are flattened. Some people feel more stable; others notice less spontaneous horniness or more vaginal dryness. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex—it just means arousal might need more build‑up, mental stimulation, and lube.

Red flags to talk to a provider about:

• No period for 3+ months (and you’re not on certain BC or pregnant)
• Sudden zero libido + fatigue, hair loss, or major mood shifts
• Pain with sex, bleeding after sex, or new intense cramps

Your desire patterns aren’t random; your hormones are part of the story.

If your experience isn’t lining up with any of this, you’re not broken—you’re just specific. That’s exactly why Gush exists—to walk through your cycle, symptoms, and sex drive without judgment.

Step 3: Track patterns like a scientist, not a critic

Grab a notes app, journal, or cycle‑tracking app and log for one or two months:

• Cycle day (or “on period,” “mid‑cycle,” “PMS AF”)
• Desire level (0–10)
• Type of desire (soft cuddly sex, rough, just oral, only solo, etc.)
• Physical stuff (cramps, bloating, headaches, energy)
• Mental stuff (anxious, depressed, confident, numb)

You’re looking for trends, not perfection:

• “I’m weirdly bold around ovulation.”
• “Right before my period, I only want slow touch.”
• “On the pill, I almost never feel spontaneously horny but still enjoy sex once I get going.”

This turns “I’m so inconsistent” into “Oh, my hormones + stress + sleep are driving this.” Clarity is power.

Step 4: Build a Yes / Maybe / No list

Once you’ve collected some data, translate it into something usable:

• YES (green light): Things you’re pretty sure you like or want to try soon. Examples: oral (giving/receiving), specific positions, toys, mutual masturbation, being praised, light choking, shower sex, etc.
• MAYBE (yellow light): Things you’re curious about but not ready to commit to. These are “only with a trusted partner, with a safe word, and we can stop immediately” activities.
• NO (red light): Anything that feels unsafe, triggering, or just…no. You do not owe anyone a “why.”

This list is living, not locked. You can promote a Maybe to Yes, or downgrade it to No after trying something. You’re allowed to change your mind.

Step 5: Separate “turned on” from “performing hot”

Ask yourself during or after any sexual moment: “Was I turned on, or was I performing being turned on?”

Clues you were performing:

• You were narrating yourself from the outside (“Do I look sexy?”) more than feeling from the inside.
• You pushed through discomfort or boredom because you didn’t want to “ruin it.”
• You matched porn positions/sounds you didn’t actually feel.

Real desire is quieter but deeper: tingling, warmth, wetness, your brain wandering back to that touch later. That’s what we’re centering.

Your sexuality is not a group project. Porn, TikTok, and exes gave you a starting script. Now you get to cross things out, add your own scenes, and write an ending where you actually get off.

Q: What’s a not-awkward way to tell someone what I want (or don’t want) in bed without feeling like I’m being “too much” or killing the mood?

A: The least awkward way to talk about sex is to treat it like part of sex—not a crime scene debrief. Start outside the bedroom with simple, honest scripts: “I’ve realized I really like X and I want to try it with you,” or “Can we do less of Y? My body isn’t loving it.” Use “I” statements, lead with what you do want, and frame it as a team upgrade, not a complaint. In the moment, give short, clear directions: “Softer,” “Slower,” “Stay right there,” or “Actually, can we pause?” Your desires are not “too much”; they’re the whole point. The real red flag isn’t you asking—it’s any partner who treats your pleasure like an inconvenience.

Want help practicing the actual words? You can always chat with Gush and workshop the scripts before you drop them in real life.

How to tell your partner what you want in bed without making it weird

Step 1: Have the sex talk when you’re not mid‑thrust

Trying to redesign your whole sex life while someone’s inside you is…a lot. Take it out of the pressure cooker.

Pick a chill moment:

• Lying in bed after sex
• On a walk
• During a cuddle/Netflix night

Then frame it as a compliment + curiosity, not a complaint:

• “I really like having sex with you, and I’ve been figuring out more of what turns me on. Can I share?”
• “I want our sex life to keep getting better. Can we talk about what we each like more?”

You’re not filing a grievance; you’re inviting them into a co‑op upgrade.

Step 2: Use simple, non‑cringey scripts

You don’t need therapist vocabulary. You need plain language that’s honest and kind.

Try:

• To ask for something: “I’ve realized I really like ____ (e.g., more clitoral stimulation / lube / being on top). Can we do more of that?”
• To adjust something: “When we do ____, my body doesn’t love it. Could we try ____ instead?”
• To say no: “____ isn’t something I want to do. I’m down for ____, but that one’s off the table for me.”
• To slow down: “I like you and I’m turned on, but I need to go slower. Can we just make out/touch above the waist/keep clothes on tonight?”

Short. Clear. No essays.

How your cycle and hormones can shape what you ask for

Your libido and comfort levels are not static; they move with your hormones.

• Around ovulation (mid‑cycle): Estrogen and testosterone peak. You might want more frequency, intensity, or adventurous stuff. This is a good time to say, “I’m feeling extra horny—I’d love to try ____ while I’m in this mood.”
• During PMS / late luteal phase: Progesterone is high, estrogen is dropping, and you might feel bloated, tender, anxious, or ragey. Maybe penetration feels like too much but gentle clitoral stimulation, massage, or cuddling feels great. Try: “I’m not up for penetration right now, but I’d love X/Y instead.”
• On your period: Bleeding days come with cramps, fatigue, and low hormones. Some people crave pressure and orgasms; others want zero contact. Say it clearly: “Period sex is a yes/no/maybe for me, and here’s what I’d need for it to feel good…”

On hormonal birth control, flattened hormone swings can mean you rely more on mental arousal and context. You might say, “I don’t get as spontaneously horny, so I need more foreplay/talking/teasing to get there.” Vaginal dryness from BC? “I need lube every time—that’s just how my body works.”

If your libido has fallen off a cliff, or sex suddenly hurts, that’s not something to “power through.” It’s a “call your provider” moment: could be meds, thyroid, endo, or other treatable stuff.

If none of these patterns match your body, that’s also allowed. You can walk through your specific cycle, meds, and sex drive with a real human by messaging Gush and getting personalized insight.

Step 3: In‑the‑moment feedback that doesn’t kill the mood

You can absolutely course‑correct while you’re having sex.

Keep it:

• Short: “Higher,” “Lower,” “Slower,” “More of that,” “Less pressure.”
• Positive: Instead of “don’t do that,” try “What you did before felt amazing—can you go back to that?”
• Embodied: Guide their hand, move your hips, change positions, or shift their head.

To say no mid‑sex:

• “Actually, that doesn’t feel good—can we try ____ instead?”
• “I need a quick break.”
• “I’m losing my focus; can we slow down or stop?”

If they sulk or get defensive, that’s a them problem. Adults adjust; toddlers pout.

Step 4: Ditch the “too much” story

Let’s be blunt: a lot of you were taught that “good girls” are chill, low‑maintenance, and grateful for whatever they get. That’s how we end up with men getting porn‑style service while women barely get warmed up.

You asking for:

• More foreplay
• A condom every time
• Sex that doesn’t ignore your clit
• A full stop when your body says no

…is not “too much.” That is basic sexual health.

Someone who benefits from your silence will always call your boundaries “dramatic.” Believe them—and upgrade partners, not your tolerance for bullshit.

Step 5: If they can’t handle it, that’s your answer

Healthy responses to your sexual needs sound like:

• “Thanks for telling me, I want you to feel good.”
• “I didn’t realize that hurt—let’s change it.”
• “I’m nervous I’ll mess it up, but I want to learn.”

Red‑flag responses:

• “You’re overreacting.”
• “My ex never complained.”
• “You’re ruining the mood.”
• Guilt‑tripping, pouting, or pushing your no.

You don’t need advanced communication skills to fix someone who fundamentally doesn’t care if you’re comfortable. Your desires aren’t negotiable accessories; they’re the entire damn point of being naked with someone.

Q: If my partner’s desires don’t match mine (like frequency, kink, or boundaries), how do we talk about it without it turning into pressure, guilt, or a breakup convo?

A: Desire mismatches are normal, not a relationship death sentence. The key is to treat it like a shared problem, not a personal failure. Name the mismatch (“I’ve noticed we want sex at different frequencies/are into different things”), own your truth (“Here’s what feels good and what’s a no for me”), and invite collaboration (“Can we figure out something that works for both of us?”). Be clear on non‑negotiable boundaries: you don’t “compromise” on consent. Factor in hormones, mental health, stress, and meds—libido is a body‑brain thing. Then explore options: scheduling sex, redefining intimacy, solo sex, or, if needed, reevaluating the relationship. If every convo turns into pressure or guilt, that’s not mis‑matched desire; that’s disrespect.

If you’re stuck between what you want and what they want, you can always chat with Gush and sort through the mess with someone who won’t minimize your needs.

How to handle mismatched sexual desire with a partner

Step 1: Normalize the mismatch

You have different music tastes, sleep schedules, and stress levels. Of course your sex drives don’t sync up like a rom‑com montage.

Common reasons desire doesn’t match:

• Different baseline libidos
• Hormonal shifts (cycle, birth control, pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause)
• Meds (especially SSRIs, some birth control, ADHD meds)
• Stress, trauma history, body image, or mental health

None of that means anyone’s broken. The problem is when mismatch becomes pressure, resentment, or manipulation.

How hormones and your cycle can widen (or shrink) the gap

Your body isn’t a machine; it’s a hormone soup.

For people who cycle:

• Follicular + ovulation (week after your period through mid‑cycle): Rising estrogen and a bump in testosterone can crank up desire and fantasies. You might suddenly be more aligned with a partner who “always wants it.”
• Luteal / PMS: Progesterone dominates. You might feel bloated, tender, emotionally raw, and way less in the mood—especially for rough or lengthy penetration. This can widen the mismatch if your partner expects a steady level of availability.
• Menstrual phase: Low estrogen/progesterone can cause fatigue and cramps, but orgasms may relieve pain for some. For others, any touch is a hard no.

On hormonal birth control, your natural hormone peaks are dampened. Some people feel more consistent; others feel their libido tank. Either way, your “off” weeks might clash with your partner’s expectations.

If your desire has nosedived out of nowhere, or sex is painful, heavy bleeding or irregular cycles show up—loop in a provider. Endometriosis, PCOS, thyroid issues, and meds can all drag libido.

If that whole paragraph doesn’t fit you at all, that’s okay. You can walk your unique cycle + sex drive mix through with a human by messaging Gush and getting tailored insight.

Step 2: Have an honest, blame‑free conversation

You’re not here to be the Sex Police or the Gatekeeping Virgin. You’re here to tell the truth.

Try a three‑part script:

1. Observation: “I’ve noticed we want sex at different frequencies/are into different things.”
2. Your experience: “Right now, my body/mind feels ____. I’m comfortable with ____, but not with ____.”
3. Collaboration invite: “I want us both to feel satisfied and respected. Can we talk about what that could look like?”

What to avoid:

• “You’re too horny/not horny enough.”
• “If you loved me, you’d just….”

Focus on impact over accusations. You’re allowed to say: “When I feel pressured, I shut down more,” or “When we never have sex, I feel distant.”

Step 3: Be ruthlessly clear about your boundaries

Write this in permanent marker: You do not compromise on consent.

Non‑negotiables:

• You don’t owe sex because you’re in a relationship.
• You don’t owe sex because they paid for dinner, are “deprived,” or “could get it somewhere else.”
• You don’t owe kinks you’re not into, regardless of how “important” they say it is.

You can say:

• “I’m never going to be comfortable with choking/anal/rough sex. That’s a hard no for me.”
• “I’m not okay with sex when I’m half‑asleep or drunk.”
• “I’m fine with you watching porn/using toys by yourself; I’m not okay with ____.”

Their job is to decide if they can respect that, not negotiate you into discomfort.

Step 4: Explore compromises that don’t violate you

Sometimes, there’s middle ground:

• Frequency mismatch:
  • Schedule sex (yes, literally). “Twice a week we prioritize intimacy; other days are optional.”
  • Embrace solo sex. The higher‑libido partner can masturbate without guilt; you’re not their only outlet.
• Energy mismatch:
  • Shorter sex sessions
  • More foreplay on your high‑desire days, more cuddling/low‑pressure touch on low‑desire days
• Kink mismatch:
  • Soft versions of a kink (light restraint instead of full bondage, verbal play instead of intense roleplay)
  • Non‑sexual expressions (e.g., pet names and dynamics outside sex)

If someone demands a “compromise” that leaves you feeling used, scared, or numb, that’s not compromise. That’s coercion.

Step 5: When is it a dealbreaker?

Harsh truth: sometimes, your wants are just fundamentally not compatible.

Dealbreaker vibes:

• They constantly guilt‑trip you: “If you don’t, I’ll cheat,” “You’re depriving me.”
• They minimize your pain or mental health: “You’re always tired,” “You’re making excuses.”
• They keep crossing boundaries you’ve clearly stated.

In that case, the question isn’t “How do I want sex more?” It’s “Why am I staying with someone who thinks my body is community property?”

You’re allowed to end a relationship over sex, the same way you’d end it over kids, money, or values. Your body is not their rehab for unmet needs.

Sometimes the kindest thing—for both of you—is telling the truth and walking away.

People Often Ask

Is it normal for my sex drive to change throughout my menstrual cycle?

Yes. Your sex drive is basically riding a hormonal roller coaster. During your follicular phase and ovulation (roughly the week after your period through mid‑cycle), estrogen and a bump in testosterone can make you feel more turned on, more easily lubricated, and more open to experimenting. In the luteal phase (PMS time), progesterone takes over, which can mean bloating, fatigue, and “everyone leave me alone” energy—desire often dips or shifts toward slower, more cuddly sex. During your period, some people feel zero interest; others feel extra sensitive and get cramp relief from orgasms. If your libido is always nonexistent, or it crashes hard and stays there for months, especially with pain, mood changes, or cycle chaos, that’s when it’s worth checking in with a provider.

Can hormonal birth control kill my libido?

Hormonal birth control doesn’t doom your sex drive, but it absolutely can change it. The pill, patch, and ring flatten your natural estrogen and testosterone swings, which can mean fewer spontaneous “out of nowhere” horny moments. Some people notice less desire or more vaginal dryness; others feel more stable and actually enjoy sex more because they’re not terrified of pregnancy. Progestin‑only methods (like some IUDs, implant, mini‑pill) can also shift mood and libido. If your desire tanked right after starting birth control, or sex suddenly feels dry or painful, you’re not imagining it. You can talk to a provider about switching formulations, adjusting dose, or trying a non‑hormonal method. And you can walk through your symptoms and options—without being dismissed—with Gush before that appointment.

How do I know if my low sex drive is hormones or mental health?

Hormones and mental health are besties—they constantly mess with each other—so it’s often both. Clues it might be more hormonal: big changes tied to your cycle (only horny mid‑cycle, dead inside other weeks), new birth control, thyroid issues, extreme fatigue, hot flashes, or cycle changes (very heavy/light, irregular periods, missed periods). Clues it might be more mental health: chronic anxiety or depression, past sexual trauma, high stress, burnout, body image struggles, or relationship conflict. Meds like SSRIs and some antidepressants also lower libido. If you feel numb everywhere (no joy, no motivation, no turn‑on), that’s a mental health red flag. The move: track your mood, cycle, and desire for a month, then bring that to a provider and/or therapist. And if you want help decoding the pattern, Gush can walk through it with you.

What if I never feel sexual attraction at all—is that a problem?

Not necessarily. Some people are asexual or on the ace spectrum, meaning they experience little to no sexual attraction—and that’s a valid orientation, not a defect. Ask yourself: do you want to want sex, or are you mostly stressed because you think you “should”? If you’re physically healthy, your labs are fine, and you’re generally capable of pleasure (or neutral about it), you might simply not be sexually driven, and that’s okay. You can still want romance, cuddling, partnership, or nothing at all. What’s not okay is forcing yourself into sex to seem “normal” or keep someone. If you’re unsure whether it’s orientation, hormones, or trauma, you deserve support untangling that. You can start sorting through it—no labels required—by talking to Gush and taking it one honest conversation at a time.

If you’re sitting with a hundred follow‑up questions, trying to decode patterns, or just wondering if what you’re feeling is normal, you don’t have to do it solo. Think of Gush as the friend who actually paid attention in health class—hit it up anytime you need to rant, reality‑check, or figure out your next move.